Monika's Musings

Failure?

2012-02-10T07:21:00.000-08:00

Gah. The past two days I've just been struggling emotionally. I've been feeling gloomy for no apparent reason at all, and last night I was just feeling like a failure and a disappointment. Like I said, there's absolutely no reason for me to feel this way - at least not any that come to mind.

Usually when I feel like a failure or when I feel gloomy, I automatically attribute it to missing Mack. Now I'm not quite so sure. I'm wondering if there isn't some other cause and missing Mack is just an easy and convenient excuse. I'm not saying that any birth mom shouldn't ever feel gloomy over the decision she made, even if she knows it's the right one and she's not regretting it (as in my case). I'm not saying that I don't ever feel gloomy over my decision or simply missing her. I'm just wondering if I really do feel gloomy as often as I seem to be over Mack or if there's something else going on.

I have no idea. Really. Heck, it might be just hormones blowing things out of proportion. One of the "joys" of being female, I know. I don't really know why I'm writing this either - there's no real point. I know that when I write, it usually helps me feel better, so maybe that's why I'm writing this. Y'all will have to pardon my ramblings this morning. My thoughts aren't as clear as they usually are when I blog.

On a happier note, I'll leave you with a picture taken of "the ladies" the last time Nick & I saw C, T, & Mack. I took a bunch of pictures, but only a couple of them turned out - not surprisingly the ones that looked the best weren't taken by me! :-)

Birth Mom Retreat!

2012-02-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

Every year, BirthMom Buds puts on a weekend retreat for birth mothers the weekend before Mother's Day weekend. I myself went last year for the first time and it was a wonderful and very healing experience. So this year, I'm helping to spread the word! Here is the invite:

If you are a birth mom, please consider going. If you know a birth mom, send her here, or email me at monika.zimmerman@gmail.com and I'll send you the pdf file to forward along to her. Also, if you have contacts at an agency that might want to participate in sponsoring this event, I believe any sponsorship would still be welcome. Contact birthmombuds@gmail.com with that information.

It will be an event to remember - I'm so excited already!

An Open Letter to All Hopeful Adoptive Parents

2012-01-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

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There seem to be more of "them" than usual lately. Maybe it's just because I'm more involved in the adoption world in general, maybe not. Hopeful Adoptive Parents (HAPs for the rest of this post) are more frequently using social networks as a means to promote themselves. It's not the social networking usage that bothers me; it's how the medium is used.

I'm a fan of BirthMom Buds on Facebook. Every Monday night BirthMom Buds hosts chat on their website for birth mothers only and posts a link about it on their fan page as a reminder to any birth moms that would like to participate. A HAP commented on this post last night about how they wished they could "find a birthmom" and they would even "take a special needs child." Ugh. First, a woman is not a birth mother until after she's placed. Before birth and placement, she's just an expectant mother or just mom. Second, the way they stated that they were open to adoption of a special needs child as well caused them to appear as if they thought that special needs children are somehow less worthy of loving parents than a child that doesn't have special needs. Unfortunately the comment was deleted after BirthMom Buds administration addressed the commenter in a private email so I'm unable to link back to it here. They appeared so desperate to adopt that they'd adopt a child that was "automatically" (in their eyes) not adoptable due to the fact that the child has special needs.

I've also had a bunch of HAPs follow me on Twitter (@MonikaZimmerman) lately. I hope that their intent is to follow me because they're hoping I might be able to provide them insight on their future child's birth mother. My gut reaction says that they're following me because they mistakenly think I'm still pregnant and looking to place. Either that, or they're hoping that even if I've placed, I'll know at least one or two expectant mothers looking to place and I'll "hook them up" because they're so fabulous. Not one of these HAPs has ever said a word to me in response to any of my tweets, and because I don't follow them back, they're unable to send me a private message.

In closing, a few "rules:"

If you're hoping to adopt, learn the terminology. A woman who's pregnant is not going to advertise herself as a birth mom even if she fully intends to place her child with an adoptive family. Most of the birth moms I know (including myself) have no idea that we even have a "title" until well after placement happens.
Be careful how you say things. I know that it's not easy to be "politically correct," but desperation in combination with poor choices of words can be a very hazardous combination. Take the couple I mentioned that said they'd "even adopt a special needs child." They probably didn't mean it to say that they thought of special needs children as less worthy of adoption and that they were so desperate to adopt that they'd "adopt anything," but that's certainly how those comments came out.
When you friend on Facebook or follow on Twitter mothers that advertise themselves as birth mothers and then never speak to us or explain why you're doing so, we assume that you're using us. No one likes to be used, and I think that because a lot of birth mothers in general (or even expectant mothers looking to place) struggle with feelings of unworthiness, feeling used just compounds those existing feelings. I can pretty much guarantee that no birth mother wants to be a friend on Facebook or followed because you (as HAPs) assume that we know all kinds of expectant mothers looking to place their babies. Birth mothers come from all over the spectrum for age, education and relationship status. We don't all fit the in the box that agencies like to use of us being unwed, promiscuous teenagers that will be better off without our kids. In fact I think a large number of us don't fit in that box at all. While we work to eliminate those stereotypes, we would appreciate if your actions didn't cause us to assume you believe the stereotypes,even if you don't.

I know that you as HAPs are in pain and anxious to fill your need to raise children of your own. We as birth moms know some of the pain you feel as we want to be able to raise our children and have decided that we're unable to give them the life we feel they deserve. Just be careful how you use social networking to get your message out there.

Serenity

2012-01-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

View off my back deck....

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -Reinhold Niebuhr

This is one of my favorite sayings/poems/prayers. I'm fond of quoting it to other people and even myself if the situation warrants it. However, the situation lately has warranted it and I've been doing everything but following the "advice" in that prayer.

I've been caught up in worrying about things I have absolutely no power over. The general Seattle area and parts north & south have been caught unawares by an atypical snow & ice storm. The snow finally stopped yesterday and it started sort of melting around here this morning only to have the rain start to freeze just before it hit the ground and everything else. Two trees right across the little driveway behind our apartment building have lost big branches due to the weight of snow and especially ice. There have been crazy amounts of accidents, and they even closed the airport at least briefly this morning (I've not heard whether it was reopened or not).

Nick & I had seen cars traveling with ease down the major street right in front of our apartment but Ft Lewis was "essential personnel only" when we checked early this morning before hitting the road. So we stayed home amidst much consternation and frustration on my part. Nick's original orders were for tomorrow, but of course he's only had about half a day with all this weather nonsense to clear the things he's had to clear. I was worried because we were due to go down for a visit with T, C, & Mack on Saturday night and Sunday with plans that Nick and I would be able to spend the night in Portland on Sunday because we'd be in no hurry to get back. Nick tried to make me feel better saying that he didn't care how late we got back Sunday night so we didn't have to rush off from our visit early, but it really did nothing to quell the feeling that nothing was going right. I was not listening to that voice inside me that said, "there's nothing you can do to change the weather, but you can change your attitude about it, and you can work around it." See? Serenity prayer in action but I was ignoring it. They're going to extend Nick's orders so he has until next Wednesday (at least, possibly later) to get done what he needs to do, which also messed with our plans to meet my parents for lunch next Tuesday for a belated birthday lunch for my dad (his birthday's today).

I spent this morning trying to ignore and cure my anxiety with exercise, painting, and coloring. Actually those things did help, and I felt better after doing them than if I'd decided to eat my feelings (though chocolate's yummy).

Now it turns out things are going to work out okay even though they're not as originally planned. It looks like we're going to head to Portland next weekend to have our visit (though I've not heard back from T yet with an absolute confirmation), and we're having lunch this Sunday with my parents, which wasn't originally an option because of the previously planned visit to Oregon to see Mack & her parents. We do have to give up a dinner with our good friends Valerie & Steve and their new son (sorry, guys!), but we've already committed to finding time to meet after Nick & I get back from California.

I'd decided at the beginning of the year that my word for the year was going to be "learn." Perhaps I'm supposed to learn from this type of situation that it doesn't do any good to worry and get myself all worked up over things that I cannot change. Originally I'd intended for most of the learning to be done in the world of adoption, both in my own situation and in learning about the situations of others. However, I'm thinking that I also need to concentrate on learning serenity. I'm a worrywart by nature as I've already admitted multiple times, and I'm a constant work in progress when it comes to letting go. I can learn to let go. Can you remind me that I've committed to letting go of the worry?

Emotional Wreck

2012-01-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

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I've been an emotional wreck lately and last night talking to Nick, I finally figured out why. This was of course after I ate my emotions in the form of ice cream, macadamia nuts, and chocolate. Normally I'm just excited before a visit, and the sadness/worry hits afterward. I know when those hit that there's absolutely no logical reason for them. But emotions sometimes have no logical reasoning and this is definitely one of those times.

Let me back up a little and explain some things for those of you who might not follow me on Twitter and/or Facebook. Nick and I have a visit scheduled for Sunday the 22nd with Mack, T, & C. We also know for certain that Nick's last day in the Army is the 20th, since he received his orders on the 12th. This visit coming up may very well be the last visit for quite a while simply because it will take more logistical planning and money (for plane tickets, hotel, rental car, etc) to have a visit in the future. This assumes of course that we do end up moving out of WA for Nick's future job. It is possible that we will end up staying, but it's at least equally possible, if not more possible, that we will end up moving out of state.

I know logically that there are definitely some good things about moving out of the area. A lower cost of living just about anywhere else means that we will have more extra money to do fun things like travel (and of course that means visits back here are more possible). But I just can't help feeling a bit sad too. My parents, sister & her kids live here. Some of my best friends live in the general area (one of them lives down in OR, but most of them are up in WA). Of course I grew up in the Pacific Northwest and I frankly love it here, as much as I complain about the lack of sunshine. It's a bit scary to think about moving completely out of state. Technically I have before since I lived down in OR (as that's where Mack was born), but it still felt like "home" down there, just a bit farther away. I was still within fairly easy driving distance of a lot of people I know and love.

Of course had I not had and subsequently placed Mack with her parents, I wouldn't have met the wonderful people that I also now consider among my dearest friends. I hope they know who they are as I won't list them here. They are all over the United States, and it's possible that Nick and I may end up relocating within easy traveling distance of some of them (keeping my fingers crossed for Phoenix).

I hesitated to post this blog for a couple of reasons. T has been reading my blog lately. Though I absolutely love and adore the fact that she wants to read my blog and wouldn't discuss anything here that I wouldn't or haven't talked with her about, I don't want her to read this blog and feel guilty for any weird reason, or think that I'm regretting my decision to place. I'm not. I know that my placement was the right decision, and that us moving out of the area won't cut off our relationship, though it may change it slightly. There's still email, letters, Skype, maybe a phone call or two, and of course there are planes, trains, and automobiles (as my friend Kat told me at least a couple of times on Thursday night when I was whining about this). My brain, at least, knows these facts. My emotions are being a little slower to catch up.

The other reason I struggled with posting this is that I don't want to post it, have people read it, and think that I'm just trying to get more attention and sympathy for my sadness. Of course I can't help if people think that and it's really not something I care if people think or not. I know, those statements seem opposite and mutually exclusive. However that's what my feelings and brain are doing right now anyway. They're "arguing" with each other, and frankly I hope that writing this post helps my brain win out. Even though I like my emotions and won't hide them, I want the logical part of me to take over.

So I will post this because I needed to write about it. If I care about something enough to write about it and not just in a journal or a private forum of some sort, then it would be odd if I didn't post what I've written. I also wanted to post this because frankly I don't want to talk about this when we're all having our visit next Sunday. Again, it's not because I'm hiding my emotions, thoughts or feelings from them. I'd just prefer to keep our visit on a more positive note and this is a way that I can get what I'm feeling out of myself without waiting until next Sunday to blow up all over them. Mack's understanding a LOT more now, and I don't want her to feel any negative feelings coming from me and think that she's the cause, because she's not. Neither are her parents.

I do feel better writing this and it hasn't even posted yet. I know this won't be the last of it. I'll have to confront the same thoughts and feelings again when Nick & I know for certain where we're going or if we're staying in WA. But now I feel more confident that I'll just be able to feel excitement about the fact that we get to see T, C, & Mack soon and not concentrate so much on my fears.

Something's fishy....

2012-01-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

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I'm not even certain where to start. Start at the "beginning," Monika. One of my dear friends, who shall remain at least mostly anonymous because of her involvement in the world of adoption, sent me several texts this evening. In them, she told me that she was following an adoption agency of sorts called The Adoption Consultancy, out of Brandenburg, FL. She hadn't looked over their website much at all, but had signed up for the newsletters that this company puts out because someone else had forwarded her a newsletter that seemed fishy.

Today's newsletter, forwarded to me for my perusal, has a couple of links to other sites and then lists a bunch of hopeful adoptive couples that are expecting to adopt soon (have already been matched with expectant moms intending to place for adoption) or couples that have recently adopted. Instead of just listing the sex of the babies and expected due dates or birth dates, this gal, Nicole, lists their race. For example: "Congratulations also to K & P [first names were included - I used initials to protect their privacy]. We had our second consultation on Nov. 28. They hadn't yet completed their profile when they matched on Dec. 16! Their African American/Hispanic son is due in a month!" This is an actual quote from the email newsletter. Why on earth does it matter what race their son is supposed to be?? This newsletter goes out to anyone that signs up on their website, and presumably clients (both birth parents and adoptive parents) that have gotten matched using this "consultant."

Her website brags about the speed at which she matches hopeful adoptive parents and expectant moms, listing that they "eliminate obstacles and reduce your wait time." Her banner has continually changing pictures of couples that all adopted very speedily through the use of her services.

Under "Why Choose Us," she states, "Allow us to guide you -- we have an agency and attorney network specifically targeting states that favor adoptive parents by not allowing birth parents to revoke their consent." I can't fathom the pain that causes to get matched with an infant and then have the mother change her mind, so I can understand wanting to choose a state in which to adopt where the chances of that are lower due to the state laws. However, advertising this seems the furthest from ethics possible.

Of course she also offers a "Q & A Session." This is "One 30-minute one-on-one phone call or meeting with Nicole Witt, founder of The Adoption Consultancy, to cover any adoption-related questions you have." That alone is $100, which is "nicely" (it's hard to type sarcasm) deducted from the cost of her 2 top-tier consulting packages should you book within 30 days of the Q & A.

Under the "Answers" tab, it just gets better. "Why does it take less time with The Adoption Consultancy than with other organizations?" She answers: "As with any process, knowing what not to do is almost more important than knowing what to do. Our success comes from our experience with the process and the issues that may arise. Few things are as valuable as who you know, and we have relationships with agencies and attorneys nationwide that place newborns in a short amount of time. Our attorneys and agencies love working with our clients, and birth mothers are happy to see our clients’ profiles. Also, the customized education and guidance we provide allows our clients to be registered with multiple placement sources and present themselves to birth mothers via superior Personal Profiles." I especially love the comment about birth mothers being "happy to see our clients' profiles." Having talked to more than a few birth moms post-placement about how they felt looking at profiles, they're anything but happy to look at them. They may be as at peace with the decision as they can be, but most often they're overwhelmed with the decision they're making and the sheer volume of profiles they have to look through before making a decision. I wouldn't describe that as being happy, but maybe that's just me.

Oh, and then... "What is a typical birth mother like?" "Although statistics show that teenagers have the highest pregnancy rate, most do not choose adoption. Those that do consider adoption are often not mature enough to follow through with the plan. Many suppress their feelings during pregnancy and then change their minds after the baby is born. We advise our clients to work with the type of birth parent who understands the reality of parenting and is, therefore, much more likely to commit to and follow through with an adoption plan -- such as a single mother between the ages of 19 and 30." Basically the whole last part strongly pushes the hopeful adoptive parents to wait for expectant mothers that will give their babies without question or indecision. Explains their high match rate. Again, I know that thinking you may have a baby and then having the mother change her mind must be heartbreaking - probably sort of like a woman pursuing fertility treatment after fertility treatment without success. I do believe that joy can come from such heartbreak. My daughter's parents told me that they had several matches fall through at nearly the last minute, but that they're glad now that they did because if they hadn't, they wouldn't have their daughter.

I'm not certain what the point of this post is other than to warn hopeful adoptive parents out there that agencies or consultants that are willing to put "facts" like that out there for the whole world to see are most likely highly unethical and should be avoided at all costs. I would venture that those couples that are so desperate to adopt that they would pursue a relationship with such a business might have not healed from not being able to have a baby the "traditional" way. They have a fantasy in mind of being parents and seem unwilling to pursue other alternatives like foster-to-adopt because it might not fit into their parenting dreams.

I don't see a business here that's in it for their clients at all, actually. I read through the website of The Adoption Consultancy and only see greed and dollar signs in Nicole's eyes. I thought baby brokering had gone the way of slavery. It's an unfortunate and very hurtful part of this country's past, but it's part of the past nonetheless. Evidently not, as Nicole proves with her "consultancy." Babies are not commodities, Nicole, and nor are the women who bear those babies and choose to place them with adoptive families.

I'm happy to point out unethical agencies, or consultants, for that matter. I may get flack from this, but I'm willing to take it if it means that those businesses either change or get put out of business as a result. Hopeful adoptive couples out there that might read this? I beg of you to do your research before committing yourselves to a consultant or agency. It may take a bit more time, but it's worth it in the end. I also beg of expectant mothers that might stumble on this blog to do the same thing. Research the agency or consultant you're viewing profiles from before you commit to anyone or anything. Ugh. Just...ugh.

Happy Anniversary C, T, & M!

2012-01-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

2 yrs ago today; The SW unfortunately cut off C's face. :(

Today is the 2-year anniversary of the day T & C became my daughter's parents. Legally it didn't happen until July because of the adoption requirements in the state of Oregon, but today is the day she officially became their child in my eyes. I signed over parental rights 2 years ago today.

I have to admit today is a sad day. I don't regret my decision. Even if I'd selected some other people to be Mack's parents, and the match wasn't as fabulous as it is, I still know it's the right choice, and I'd still fully support the people I chose. But as much as I know the choice I made was a choice I'd make again given similar circumstances and Mack's parents are a wonderful match for Mack, I'm still a bit melancholy today. So I'll allow myself to cry, and miss what might have been in different circumstances.

I sent T an email this morning wishing them a "Happy Anniversary." I'm not certain whether she'll respond today or not, and it really doesn't matter. They're very busy people, as are Nick & I, and we don't have an active toddler to chase in addition to our schedule like they do! I know they think of me, of us, when they look at their daughter, and that knowledge is enough.

As much as today brings out the "bitter" part of the bittersweet that so aptly describes being a birth mom, I remind myself of the sweet. I remind myself of the awesome match that Mack is with her family. I remind myself that she's happy, loved and accepted for exactly who she is (including the parts of her that reflect Nick and me), not only by her parents but her extended family as well. That causes me great happiness and contentment.

Our darling Mack: Nick & I love you beyond measure. Not just today, but always. We think of you every day, and especially on days like this.

Puzzling

2011-12-31T15:06:00.000-08:00

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I've read the blog of one birth mom that is basically accusing her daughter's (I believe it's a daughter, but can't remember all of the details) mom of stalking the birth mom on her blog. I don't know why I think of this now except that I just gave my own daughter's mom the address of my blog and told her that she was free to read my blog anytime she'd like. We got on the discussion because I'd been talking to her about how excited I was to do my interview with Harriet, and we'd also talked about some of the things I'd blogged about in the past.

I know that I have a good relationship with my daughter's parents and that not every birth mom is fortunate to have the same kind of relationship with her child's parents. However, that aside, you're posting your blog on the web for anybody and everybody to see and search (some of my friends' blogs have been found by people inputting crazy search terms, but that's a different subject entirely). I would think that if you're posting your blog, you would privatize it enough that it wouldn't be searchable by anyone that knows you, and that you'd make yourself as anonymous as possible. That is, if you're concerned about what you're posting. All blog engines have at least some capability for that, and if you'd rather not make your blog private, then I would think you would go into posting with the knowledge that someone is going to find your blog.

This seems like a no-brainer to me. If you don't want your blog or even just certain posts found, then you hide them, your blog, or you don't post them at all! I personally think that if this birth mom (in particular, though there might be more than one) has that much of a problem with her kid's mom reading her blog, their relationship needs more work than just deleting the blog or something like that would provide. I figure anything that goes on my blog (either past or future) that I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter's family reading is going to be discussed with them, not just posted for the whole wide world to see and search. That's just good relationship and trust-building. It's sort of the same concept as the people that I've heard up that break up on Facebook or even via text. If you're going to fight but you're not brave enough to fight in person, then it's just worthless.

Am I missing something? Obviously there are dynamics there that I know nothing about (and frankly don't want to know), but don't air your issues publicly and expect not to get responses from the person (or people) with whom you have the issues in the first place. Common sense??

OAR #33: What did you learn about open adoption this year?

2011-12-31T12:18:00.000-08:00

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Our fearless leader, Heather, has once more provided us with a chance to spend some time in introspection. As the year draws to a close, it's an especially appropriate time to review. Please go here to read some of the other responses.

As I also blog on the BirthMom Buds blog, I got a chance to write a very similar post. To read what I wrote there, click on this.

But I learned more than what I blogged about there. What I learned was important. Words can make such a huge difference. But I learned there is more power in me than I thought. I did more letting go this year in my relationship with my daughter & her parents. This is not to say that I'm abandoning the relationship. However, I'm worrying just a little bit less that the investing I've done in the relationship will be for naught. Yes, I still worry, but not quite as much as I used to worry. I'm letting myself trust in the relationship that we're building. I'm certain there will be hiccups, but this relationship is worth fighting for, and I know Mack's parents feel the same way.

Open adoption relationships are so different for everyone, and like my birthmom friend Racilous said in her blog on this same topic, if I asked 100 people involved in open adoptions about their adoptions, I'd get 100 different stories. I think that knowledge and the continual hearing of different points of view has widened my perspective and caused me to worry a little less. There are so many different points of view just like the people involved. What works for one relationship may not work for another, and that's okay. Just because my open adoption relationship with my daughter's parents is unlike any other open adoption that I know doesn't mean that it's doomed to fail or anything of the sort. It's just different.

Also learned this year is that new things, while scary, can be awesome too. Those of you who know me personally know how much I detest public speaking. I participated in a open adoption panel at an adoption conference at the beginning of November. What a great experience it was, and not nearly as scary as I thought it was going to be. Everyone was so supportive, and it was great to have so many people I knew there despite the fact that Nick could not attend for emotional support. I do plan to participate in panels for future adoption conferences if those doors are opened for me. Not only will it be good for me to step out of my comfort zone and speak in front of strangers, but I look forward to it adding to my realm of knowledge and experiences.

What did YOU learn about open adoption in 2011?

My Interview with Harriet...

2011-12-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

Harriet, holding Theo, and Mark

I'm so excited to post this! I'm not certain whether I found Harriet's blog on the Open Adoption Bloggers Network, run by the wonderful & fantastic Heather, or whether I started following her on Twitter and then found her blog, but it really doesn't matter. After I announced on Twitter that I was participating in the 2011 Adoption Blogger Interview Project, Harriet confessed that although she wasn't participating, she'd been wanting to interview me for a while. I was surprised, flattered, and immediately said that I'd like to interview her as well. Fair warning: this may be a lengthier post as I thought of lots of questions as I was reading her older posts.

Without further ado, my interview with Harriet of See Theo Run!

Me: How did you get involved in Focus on Adoption? Simply because of your focus on journalism or was it where your heart was?

Harriet: I had no specific interest in adoption. I was a recent Journalism grad and a job for a magazine editor came up so I gamely took it. I worked there for seven years and wrote countless personal stories. I became an “expert in adoption” – something I now know is bullshit unless you’ve lived it!

Me: Did you get involved in the mentioned conferences, panels, interviews, and other things due to your involvement with Focus on Adoption?

Harriet: As editor of an adoption magazine, I listened to and wrote hundreds of adoption stories: profiles of families with over ten children adopted from around the world, a story of an adoptee who bumped into her birth sibling at a mall for the first time. I attended transracial adoptee panels, attachment workshops and worked closely with adoptive parents and adoptees. I knew everything a person needed to know about adoption before we adopted. But nothing can fully prepare you for the emotional complexity of adoption, the public nature of my family, and the amazing joy and sorrow of being a parent.

Me: I so agree with your "Home Invasion" post. I’ve often wondered why they put potential adoptive parents under the microscope but refuse to do the same thing with biological parents. Having endured the microscope, do you have any advice for potential adoptive parents who haven’t yet gone through their home studies?

Harriet: I have a few issues with the homestudy process. I understand why it’s necessary to vet future adoptive parents but I did not feel like we were a good match with our social worker. I would encourage anyone who feels this way to request a new one.

Me: I’ve recently realized that there’s a lot of agency bias against multiracial and African-American babies in US adoption agencies. What about with your agency? Did they ever treat you differently or tell you expectant moms might have a harder time selecting you because you’re a multiracial couple?

Harriet: No. Being a multiracial couple is very common in Vancouver and I thought that maybe a mixed-race couple or birthmom, who was not white, might select us. We were very surprised when a Jamaican couple wanted to meet us, and I think my husband’s first-hand experience with racism and cultural difference resonated with them. I also know that they liked who we were as people and that superseded culture for them because they had over 200 potential families to choose from.

Me: Why did you start your blog? What keeps you writing?

Harriet: I started the blog because I wanted to document our life as a family and explore what it means to be a multiracial family in an open adoption. I wanted to tell good stories and give people a glimpse of what open adoption is all about. It’s now a vehicle to express how I feel about adoption and way to connect adoptive and birthparents. At times, I don’t want to talk about adoption anymore; I just want to be a “regular” family and post photos about our outings to the playground and really lighten it up but as you know adoption is very deep and multifaceted and something you can’t ignore.

Me: I use pseudonyms for my daughter & her parents and it struck me when I thought you were divulging actual names early on in your blog. That is, until I read the post of January 9. 2010 when you admit to using pseudonyms due to some of the birth parents’ family not knowing about the birth mother’s pregnancy & placement. Do most of the people in their families now know? If so, were you involved in them telling more of their families? If not, would you like Theo to be involved in the telling?
Harriet: I think of our adoption as open to us but not open to everyone. Of course all of our friends know that we adopted but they don’t know who his birthparents are. It’s not public knowledge so I try to maintain privacy around their story. Besides who am I to know what someone else if thinking and feeling? It’s not for me to say.

Me: Do you still see Theo’s birth family often? Is there a specific schedule that you try to stick to, or do you just “go with the flow?”
Harriet: Our schedule keeps shifting based on the needs of all of us. We saw each other a lot in the first two months and then reduced it to four times a year with weekly emails. Now we update them monthly and meet when it works. There are a lot of variables still around the future so we are all just remaining flexible.

Me: As a birth mom, I loved the fact that you see and appreciate Theo’s birthmom’s pain and happiness too – that bittersweet combination in adoption of any type – specifically open adoption. Has she adjusted during visits or does she still need time to adjust? Is it still hard on you to see it?
Harriet: I would say that my biggest issue is being a sponge for other people’s pain. I don’t think it’s a good thing. I need to appreciate that placing a baby for adoption is excruciatingly difficult but at the same time, it’s not my journey. I need focus in being a good mother to my son while also supporting a solid relationship between all of us.

Me: What are your favorite posts on your blog (or just one post)? Or…what one post would you consider a must-read for a new reader to your blog?

Harriet: Here are four. I like the first because it brings back the mixed emotions of our first meeting with our son. The other three generated a lot of discussion, which is really the point of a good post. The Day We Met, Standing Out in a Crowd, Losing the Zen, and Adoption Guilt.

Me: Do you think your heavy involvement in adoption prior to marriage and subsequent finding of the fact that you are unable to bear biological children made it easier to consider adoption as a way to have children? I ask this because some couples who find they cannot bear biological children have to go through a lot of emotional healing before they’re ready to adopt and according to your blog, you didn’t seem to have as long of a healing time.
Harriet: When we found out we couldn’t have biological children, we decided immediately to adopt. We did not explore infertility treatments at all. We just didn’t want to go down that path. I never feel sadness about missing pregnancy or not giving birth. I even went to a new moms’ group where all the women had given birth and were breastfeeding. We still keep in touch. I see Theo as his own unique person with no biological baggage from either me or his dad. We joke that there’s no way the two of us could have produced such an amazing kid. I just can’t fathom my life without Theo.

Me: Do you think your prior involvement in adoption made it easier to handle the myriad of examinations all prospective adoptive parents have to endure? I personally think that knowing all about the tests potential adoptive parents have to go through is rather like knowing about what labor is like in your head. You may know all the “facts,” but until you actually go through it, you really have no idea. Would you agree?
Harriet: I think it did help. I understood how adoption is predicated on loss, how important biological connections are and the importance of race and ethnicity. I didn’t appreciate being “told” it all over again just like my husband didn’t feel the need to learn about racism having experienced it first-hand but you do what you have to do. And it’s true that nothing prepares you for adoption like being in one and we have many years of learning ahead of us.

Me:You said you went into adoption with the idea that you wanted an open adoption and it seemed that you really didn’t struggle with the idea at all. When did you first learn of open adoption, and how long would you say it took you to realize that it was a very good thing for adoptees?
Harriet: This is where my experience working at the Adoptive Families Association came in. I’d heard countless stories of adoptees that struggled with the closed system and could not imagine being a part of that. I genuinely did not want that for my son. Besides, I no longer believe that secrecy is even possible with social media. My hope is that the painful part of openness for us is now and will just get easier with our relationships. We will be super comfortable with it by the time that Theo would, in the old days, just be “reuniting” with his birthparents. The other thing is I really think it’s important for the birthmom. It’s not just about Theo.

Me: I realize since Theo is not yet 3 that you’ve not been in your own adoption very long in the whole scheme of things. However, you’ve stated that your adoption has been a lot more open than either you or your husband expected. Have there been any points so far where you’ve been uncomfortable with your level of openness? If so, how did you resolve the discomfort? Did you talk to the birth family about it or was there something you worked out internally?
Harriet: The reality is, in open adoption, you have veritable strangers joining together over a child that everyone cares madly about so there can be conflicting ideas of what’s best for everyone. We did have to establish boundaries after the first three months. We were having a really hard time bonding as a family. We moved everything from our house to the birth grandparents’ house, then we pared down visits to just us and the birthparents in a public space, and last week, we had the birthparents to our house … so it’s a work in progress!

Me: Do you see yourself adopting more in the future or are you happy with just one child?
Harriet: We have no plans to add to our family. We are happy just the way we are.

With that gorgeous family, who can blame Harriet for that sentiment? Thank you so much for wanting to interview me in the first place, and for so wonderfully answering all the questions I had, Harriet! For more of Harriet, and for Harriet's interview of me, see her blog: See Theo Run.

The adorable Theo :-)

Why I haven't blogged much lately....

2011-12-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

Image credit: creativewriting.com

I can only say it's the holidays that I've allowed to keep me from writing. Nick and I have spent quite a bit of treasured time with my family. I spent a day up on Crystal Mountain learning how to ski. Nick's had a bunch of weird schedule-type days due to the impending holidays. We went up to Leavenworth (WA) to see the holiday lights in the "mini-Bavaria." Lots of good things, and some hiding from confronting the sad feelings too.

I think because I'm so positive about my whole adoption experience in general on my blog that some of my regular readers might think that I don't struggle with negative emotions at all. Well I'm here to tell you I do. While I don't remember last Thanksgiving & Christmas in detail, it seemed as if I didn't have as many days that I struggled with being gloomy.

I do focus on the positive a lot in my writing, for several reasons. It helps me deal with my own occasional gloom in a positive way. I don't want the "anti-adoption crowd" to find my blog, only see a negative (or sad) post or two and use that as "proof" that all adoption is horrible and no one should even consider it. The most important reason is that while I firmly believe adoption is NOT the correct choice for everyone, it has been for me. My daughter is happy, well-adjusted, and she has an amazing family plus birth family that absolutely love and adore her. Nick & I are blessed beyond words to have the relationship we do with her parents and to be encouraged to have a continuing relationship with Mack.

I know I've avoided writing this year because of the gloom specifically. I like the holidays. Always have, always want to enjoy the holidays. I have a tradition of making an ornament every year of Mack to put on our tree. It's a simple ornament, just a glass ball with a picture of Mack on her birthday inside. I was avoiding it this year because I think I knew I'd cry and I didn't want to confront the sad inside. I participated in the BirthMom Buds Secret Sister Stocking Exchange (birth moms only, obviously) this year. I got to create and fill a stocking for Coley, and I got an absolutely awesome stocking from another birth mom. One of the things she included in my stocking were little, beautifully crafted clay ornaments with Nick's, mine, and Mack's names on them. When I saw Mack's ornament, I cried as I suspected I'd do when I finished creating the ornament I'd been avoiding completing for Mack. It was a good thing, however, because I was able to finish her ornament and hang it on our tree with none of the negative feelings I was afraid I'd associate with that tradition.

I'm sure that had I actually spent some time writing that it might not have been as negative and sad as I was afraid it would be. I have faith that while there might be some holiday seasons in the future where I'll struggle with the sad more than others that there will be more good than bad (as there was this season). I will survive future holiday seasons with grace and even joy. That is my wish and hope for all the birth moms in specific that may read this post - that future holiday seasons starting with Thanksgiving will bring you more grace and joy than sadness.

While I may not write as much as I hope to write in the future, I can say for certain that I will be posting more than I've posted for the last month or two. The wheels are turning again, and I'm...back! I leave you with one of the many pictures that T has sent to me in one form or another during this holiday season. Thank you, T! I love the pictures!

She loves blocks! (Sorry for the poor quality - it's a picture of a picture that we received with our "non-Christmas", Christmas package. ;-) )

Quote of the Week: True Friends

2011-12-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

Image credit: makingmoves.net

My blog's been a bit lacking lately. My schedule's been not allowing me to do much more than sit down for a few minutes at a time. But at least I'm publishing a weekly quote! :-)

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." -Arnold H. Glasgow

I'm thankful for my friends!

Quote of the Week: Joy

2011-12-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

Image credit: timster-howdarei.blogspot.com

"Joy descends gently upon us like the evening dew, and does not patter down like a hailstorm." -Jean Paul

In other words, it's sneaky! :-)

Quote of the Week: Christmas

2011-12-07T10:06:00.000-08:00

Image credit: glittergraphicsnow.com

Since we're getting closer, I thought I'd share a few Christmas quotes. Here's the first....

"Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas." -Dale Evans

Colored?

2011-11-28T12:41:00.000-08:00

Image credit: craver-vii.blogspot.com

Poem by an African Child, written 2005
When I born, I Black,
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in Sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,
When I sick, I Black,
And when I die, I still black..

And you White fella,

When you born, you Pink,
When you grow up, you White,
When you go in Sun, you Red,
When you cold, you Blue,
When you scared, you Yellow,
When you sick, you Green,
And when you die, you Gray..

And you calling me Colored?

One of my friends, Jenna, wrote a blog post today entitled, "Which Is Worse: An Unsubstantiated Rumor or Charging Different Prices for Race?" (Please read the blog!) In short, earlier this year she'd written a blog post asking for reviews on ethical or unethical adoption agencies. One of the people who commented had said that she'd heard Adoptions From The Heart had very unethical practices, though she'd not been able to verify whether the rumors were in fact true or not. Evidently one of the workers of this particular agency had just read the blog and left a comment saying that it was only "unhappy and upset" people that were spreading rumors about this agency and they were unsubstantiated. However she neglected to mention that Adoptions From The Heart has an unethical practice of charging less for biracial or African American babies than their "white" counterparts (Jenna quotes their website in her post). That's right, you heard me. It's bull, and the whole thing makes me want to hurl.

This is the reason why I quoted the poem, above. It's all over the web. I'd heard it back a long time ago, and it obviously stuck with me because I was able to google the last line to get the whole poem as originally written. I'm just floored that an adoption agency that claims to be ethical would further stereotypes of skin color by charging different rates for different kids.

I know people who have dark skin that have had fully biological babies with completely white skin, and I've heard of at least one couple (both had white skin) that had a fully biological child with dark skin. The whole "race" card is ridiculous. We are all mixed race! It doesn't matter if your particular heritage involves people with white skin or if your heritage has mostly people with dark skin tones. They say America is a "melting pot." I would argue that the world is a melting pot, especially in today's society where global travel is commonplace.

So why charge different prices for one skin color over another? Simple. Because the people that run the agency are biased against different skin colors themselves and are passing that bias along to their clients in the form of price differences. That, people, is unethical, and makes me livid. If you're going to charge "less" for biracial or AA children, then charge less for the kids with white skin too. Simple ethics. Doesn't matter the "difficulty" in placing a child with darker skin over a child with white skin. It's not your responsibility to cover the biases of some couples. Your responsibility as an agency is to treat everyone equally.

Quote of the Week: Being Thankful

2011-11-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

In honor of Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I thought I'd share the following quote:

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." -Oprah Winfrey

Image credit: kikolani.com

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project: Meet Christine of Mother Paradox

2011-11-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

It's finally time! Here I am, posting the interview that I got the chance to complete due to Heather over at Production, Not Reproduction, I was paired with Christine. Christine is a mother of a 6-year old boy and she and her family are in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. She's been blogging about her adoption journey on Mother Paradox. She also is the proud "mother hen" of 21 chickens!

Me: Christine, how on earth did you end up with 21 chickens? Did you start out with just a couple or did you breed that many on purpose?
Christine: Oy, I have 21 chickens because I was impulsive. I had always had friends with chickens, but I never quite caught chicken fever until I became friends with a family who has a very diverse flock of chickens. Seeing all the different sizes and colors and personalities of their chickens really turned my head. I started out with eight day old chicks, two of which I was raising for a friend. Then I impulsively ordered two more batches of six, weeks apart. So I had three sub-flocks living in my house this spring. I had ten breeds, two of each breed, and of course, then I went and adopted one from a friend and ended up with 21. All being different ages and sizes they could not live together until they were bigger. They lived in my garage and then they finally went to their coop and pen. My summer was ridiculous and swamped with chicken tending and coop-building. But my son is in love with those birds. And so am I. Even my husband loves them. Now I am getting back to my roots and want a small farm one day.

Me: Impulsiveness sounds a lot like me (teeheehee). Now let's get into the root of your blog and your life right now. International adoption. Why did you choose to adopt internationally instead of domestically or from foster care?
Christine: I chose international adoption because I felt that domestic adoption could be less predictable for my family. Because I have a son, I didn't want to set his life off kilter. I expected to get on a list to receive a referral for a child with no worries of program closure.

Me: Why not choose domestic adoption from foster care? Are you only interested in adopting an infant?
Christine: I have the utmost admiration for those who adopt from the foster care system. There are not that many young children in the foster care system without siblings, sadly. I would not have felt okay about fostering a child if she would one day return to her parents because of the heartbreak it would cause for my family, particularly my son. As far as having an infant, yes, I feel like that is best for my family. My son is six. When we started the process to adopt he was three so an infant seemed like the right move. If I didn't have a bio kid, I would definitely have wanted to adopt siblings, so it would have been likely that at least one sibling would have not been an infant.

Me: So why specifically did you choose Ethiopia? Why not China or Korea, which seem to be the more popular choices for an international adoption?
Christine: China has a very, very long wait list. Korea was a possibility for us, but it just didn't feel right for me. And Ethiopia, somehow it did feel just right.

Me: How close do you think you are to completing the process of adoption?
Christine: I expect to get a referral by the end of the year, but nothing is certain. That includes when a court date would happen and then an embassy date. We will travel to Ethiopia twice and bring home baby sister on the second trip.

Me: Your "Dear Birthparent" post really hit a chord with me as I'm a birthmom. What a beautiful post! Since you're adopting from Ethiopia, do you picture yourself trying to contact your future child's birthmom at any point? Do you think it's even possible?
Christine: My agency requires us to meet our birthfamily and I am very pleased with this policy. I imagine that it could be difficult on all of us, but I think that connection is vital. Also, our agency helps to maintain contact with birthfamily in Ethiopia. I always want to be in contact with birthfamily. Always.

Me: I think the complicated process of domestic adoption seems even more complex when the fact that it's international now is added in. I have a great admiration for all that you're going through to add to your family and to give a little Ethiopian girl a permanent home. So, why did you start your blog?
Christine: I had been an avid blog reader for quite a while. Originally, I found a lot of support on a forum which dealt with infertility and adoption. When I decided I didn't want to proceed with IF treatments anymore, I became interested in adoption. On that board, most of the people were doing domestic adoptions and only one or two were interested in Ethiopia. So I had to find different resources. Now I have a big community of bloggers who have adopted from Ethiopia. It has been life-changing.

Me: One last question. What post on your blog has been most popular for your regular readers & is also a favorite of yours? Or...is there a post that you think is a must-read for a brand new reader to your blog? Okay. I guess that's actually two questions. Oh, well.
Christine: I have to say that some of my favorite posts have nothing to do with adoption. I write about my job. I work as a nurse with WWII vets and I am blessed beyond measure. It is a privilege to work at my job, not just because they are vets, but because they are from a different era. The love letters to my son on his birthdays are very dear to me, too. Interestingly, the most popular post (the one that gets the most hits) is called "Nuchal Rigidity and where the mind goes." If you google it, my blog is right up there at the top.(Note from Monika: The google tip worked. That's how I found the post to link to it for all who read this blog who don't want to bother to google it.) It's crazy. I think the "Dear Birthparent" post is a must read, otherwise. I had forgotten how difficult that post was to write.

That's it! I enjoyed reading Christine's blog very much, and think you will too. So, pop on over there and check some of her posts out! Above all, thanks again to Heather for putting this all together. Though I'm late with my submission (see yesterday's post for explanation), it was fun to do, and I appreciate all the many hours of work she put in to put this all together!

Not posting my interview...

2011-11-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

If you'll remember in October, I posted here about my participation in the 2011 Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. Today was the day to post the interviews. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I couldn't post my interview today. My partner and I are both hoping to post our interviews of each other tomorrow.

Since I cannot post my interview project today, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to Heather of Production, Not Reproduction. She deserves immense adulation for coordinating over 120 bloggers from all sides of adoption for this project. Amazing!

As well as that, she manages the open adoption bloggers blogroll, and coordinates the open adoption roundtable questions that I've participated in before. Thanks to her hours and hours of work on a weekly basis, I've connected with a bunch of bloggers that I wouldn't have found otherwise. I've found commonalities across the nation and world from all sides of the triad. Even though I didn't feel alone before, I've now added to my circle of friends and consider Heather among them. She's absolutely wonderful, and her involvement in the "world" of adoption is something to be admired and emulated. She's truly setting a great example of how a truly open adoption works from the perspective of an adoptive parent, all the while managing an immense array of open adoption bloggers.

Thank you, Heather.

Inspiration

2011-11-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

Image credit: astrodynamics.net

One of my dear adoptive mommy friends via Twitter, Facebook, and her blog wrote a post today entitled Adoption Guilt. It's a great post. Y'all should read it. (Hinting. Not so subtly.)

In it, she describes the guilt and hurt that all members of the adoption triad can feel at one time or another, perhaps even their whole lives. I commented, but due to the length of the comment, I decided to write a blog post here addressing one of the issues in particular.

As an adoptive mom, she struggles with feeling guilty that her son might feel abandoned and that her son's birth parents (whom are still involved in his life) will blame her for the hurt that placing their son with his parents causes them. As a birth parent, I feel compelled to address this.

No matter how I may struggle at times with pain over the placement of my daughter, I will never blame my daughter's parents for that hurt. I placed my daughter out of love for her. I didn't place her to "create a family" (she already had one before she was ever born), or to be a "hero," or simply because I was a "vessel" to bring a baby into this world for people that could not have one biologically. I placed her because I felt at the time (and continue to feel) that I made the best parenting decision for her by placing her with another family. All of those terms are fed to adoptive parents & birth parents both by an industry that wants each of us to feel better for the decisions we made. That's admirable. This is not to say that potential adoptive parents should feel guilty for wanting to grow their families through adoption.

Yes, there are unethical people in the world, and not just in the adoption industry as a whole. Potential adoptive parents have been so desperate to have a child that they've resorted to methods to have those children that end up punishing not only the birth parents and later the child, but I would argue they punish themselves and other potential adoptive parents as well. The industry as a whole has been party to growing a business through being involved with adoption instead of just doing it for the children, and with that there is inevitably someone that gets hurt. Even parents have resorted to "selling" their children to make a quick buck (and I'm NOT talking about surrogacy here - that's something different entirely). My point is that there's no one innocent of corruption to some extent occasionally except the children involved. Those people are the only ones that should feel any guilt at all, though they should not be blaming each other for their guilt. This goes back to my earlier post & idea about taking responsibility for your own actions.

They say that open adoption is for the children, and I'd agree that the children should be the ultimate purpose behind starting and continuing an open adoption. But I think that it benefits the adoptive & birth parents as well. The adoptive parents can see that their child's birth parents are surviving okay emotionally and thus alleviate their worry & subsequent guilt of "taking" someone's biological child (even if they didn't take the child at all and the birth parents would've placed their child with someone else). Birth parents can see their child thriving emotionally and physically and get the opportunities to show their continuing love for and the missing of their child, which helps us to not blame the adoptive parents for the natural pain that comes with placing a child. Birth parents can also get that continued verification that they made the best decision for their child by seeing their child thriving.

As I said in my comment on the blog post that started this whole blog, loss is a part of the whole triad. But that same loss can bind us together in ways that we never thought were possible before. No guilt "necessary!"

Five Minute Friday: Unexpected

2011-11-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

This week's prompt by the gypsy mama is Unexpected. I'm taking it in a bit of a different direction this week Usually the point is to write for five minutes, unedited and unscripted about the specified topic. But most of today's post for me is going to be pictures.

You see, I got an unexpected email with pictures from my daughter's momma yesterday. Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. Though I usually get an email about once a week from her, I wasn't really expecting to get an email at all this week as I knew it was going to be hectic. C's 40th birthday was Tuesday, and my daughter's 2nd birthday was yesterday. I knew that C's parents were coming down to spend this last weekend with them & that this week would most likely be more full than their schedule usually is with extra events related to birthday celebrations.

It made my week to not only get an email, but to see pictures attached too. In it, T said that she was especially thinking of me this week and knew that I'd be thinking of my daughter yesterday. She also said that she planned to post on her FB that she was thankful not only for her daughter but us too. Makes me sigh with happiness just thinking about that. <3

So....I'll close with some of the pictures she sent. Enjoy!

Reading one of the books we gave her with daddy. "On the Day You Were Born"

The birthday cake T made. She's much more talented than I am! :-)

Eating the birthday cake. Very enthusiastically, I might add!

The fish we also gave her. Even though it wasn't specifically a Nemo plush, that's what they named it. Mack was evidently walking around the house saying, "Nemo, Nemo, Nemo...." :-) <3

Where Did All the Smart People Go?

2011-11-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

Image credit: shoreline.edu

I've been trying to keep all my posts adoption related for a while, and specifically for NaBloPoMo, but I needed to blog about this because I just can't keep my mouth shut anymore. I may well make some enemies out of previous friends with this post. But so be it. Yup, it's another rant.

I've grown more and more frustrated as of late with society's willingness to not take personal responsibility for their own actions. We want to blame the gun manufacturers for making guns available, when in reality, they're just capitalizing on people's desires to have guns in the first place. We expect teachers to discipline kids and "make" them do their homework, forgetting that parents should be supervising their children and making certain they do their homework. Politicians on BOTH sides of the spectrum seem willing to blame the other party for things not getting done in Washington, conveniently letting the "other side" take responsibility for the mess that EVERYONE has created.

Then there's this whole Conrad Murray trial. He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter today, and faces up to 4 years in prison for "killing" Michael Jackson. Except, he didn't kill Jackson. The drugs didn't kill Jackson either. Jackson killed Jackson. No one else.

Yes, you can argue that Murray's the one that prescribed all the drugs that Jackson took. Yes, he probably should've stopped prescribing the drugs. You can say that Jackson was "too doped up" to realize that he was taking too many drugs and blame Murray for access to the drugs in the first place. But let's take a further look at those arguments.

Murray started prescribing the drugs because Jackson told him that he was in pain. Doctors have NO way to tell how much pain a person is actually in. Pain is largely perception. What causes a "10" on the pain scale for one person could be a "5" on the scale for another person. I'm not saying that the pain isn't real, nor am I saying that people have the capability to use their own minds to control pain, though that could be argued by some people. But when a doctor is told by a patient that they're experiencing a "10," the doctor has no choice but to believe that person and prescribe what he or she is told to prescribe based upon accepted industry standards.

You can blame Murray for continuing to prescribe medications past "accepted industry standards," but if Murray stopped, there was nothing stopping Jackson from simply going to another doctor to give him the drugs that he "needed," and he probably would have done that. No one was responsible for Jackson, and no one should have been responsible for Jackson, including Murray or any other doctor. Jackson was a grown man, and perfectly capable of being responsible for himself.

Drugs are powerful. I won't argue that. But the same drugs that kill can also heal. Take insulin, for example. I take insulin because I'm no longer able to produce insulin. Insulin helps a person digest food. If I take too much insulin, then I will die. If I don't take enough, then I will also die. The same is true of anyone else that takes insulin. If a person's pancreas makes adequate insulin on its own, then giving that same person insulin will kill them. But if a person's pancreas doesn't make adequate insulin on its own, then giving that person the same amount of insulin will save their life. If my doctors prescribe me insulin, I'm responsible for taking that insulin as prescribed or not. It's my choice to take that dose, to take more, or to take less, just like Jackson had the option & the choice to take or not take the drugs as prescribed. If I don't take my insulin and I end up in the hospital or dead, I have no one to blame but myself.

I understand that Jackson's family and all the other people who loved him are grieving for the loss. But all the blame in the world will not bring Jackson back, and I would argue it won't help anyone else move forward with their lives despite the grief either. The hope is that seeing Murray "pay" with jail time for Jackson's death will help the loss hurt less and the anger that comes as a result of that grief and hurt will dissipate. But the truth is that people are angry with themselves for not doing "more" to help, and angry with Jackson himself for not making the responsible choices that he needed to make regarding his medication. You could even say that Jackson paid the ultimate price for not making responsible choices with his life.

I want the world to be full of smart people again. Smart people are people that will take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions and not be quick to blame other people. Yes, it is easier to blame other people. But the feeling of accomplishment that comes from owning up to your decisions far outweighs the very temporary pain of that same responsibility.

Five Minute Friday: Remember

2011-11-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

Image credit: pixelmuttz.blogspot.com

On Fridays, we stop and write. We take 5 minutes out of our busy lives and write, without edit or pause, whatever the prompt inspires our hearts to write. This weeks prompt is Remember. Join us!

GO

Remember. That word is loaded with thoughts and feelings. So often we choose to forget those things which are painful to remember. We hold on to the good, and delete the bad from our memories the best that we can.

But remembering the pain can be a good thing too. That is, if we use our painful memories to remind us how far we've come in a specific situation or even how a specific painful memory has caused us to grow in our lives.

In my case, I choose to remember the pain that is caused by the placement of my daughter. It's more painful sometimes than I care to admit because I don't want to make it seem like I'm blaming my pain on T & C. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They are wonderful people and I'm happy they are raising my daughter.

The remembering of the pain even through the really good times causes me to be grateful for how I've come and how this has changed my life for the better. It's caused me to remember that I'm strong. It helps me to remember that I'm blessed with a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends. A good chunk of those friends I wouldn't have met had I not chosen to become a birthmom. I remember that I've met some great adoptive parents through Twitter, this blog, the Open Adoption Bloggers "network," and even Facebook. Thank you to you all!

When I think I cannot make it through, I remember my daughter's smile. I remember the love that T & C have for her and the love that she has for them that's obvious in the way they interact. That remembering is beautiful.

STOP

This weekend

2011-11-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

Image credit: theutilitymonster.com

I've spent this week in preparation for going to an adoption conference down in Portland. Normally, I'd just be excited. But I'm really nervous too. Yes, I said too. I AM truly excited. But I'm nervous because I'm speaking as part of a panel on openness.

You'd think that wouldn't be a big deal, as I "speak" in "public" all the time via this blog and my participation on the BirthMom Buds blog as well. But this is different. I'm terrified of speaking in front of a crowd. Truth is, it's probably not that big of a crowd, and I'll be with 2 other birthmoms on that panel as well as 3 adoptive parents, so I won't be alone.

I think the part that most terrifies me is that not only am I speaking in front of a crowd (and I know how I tend to ramble & sound uneducated when I get nervous), but there are going to be some potential adoptive parents there who might make decisions about their level of openness with their future child's birth mother(s) based upon something I say or don't say. I'm also rather nervous because we as birth mothers are still pushing against a lot of industry stereotypes that give especially potential adoptive parents the impression that not only are they getting a child that they very much want (which is a GOOD thing!), but they're "rescuing" that same child from his or her birth mother. In some cases, unfortunately, that's true. Some kids, especially those that are adopted from foster care, are very literally rescued from negative situations and desperately need a family. But for most birth parents that choose to place their children at birth, that stereotype couldn't be farther from the truth. So there's a fear that when I'm participating in that panel that I'll inadvertently say something that I don't mean and contribute to a negative stereotype.

I'm sure none of this will actually happen. I'm sure it will be a great experience and one I'll want to repeat over and over (and hopefully I'll get that chance). But I can't help being nervous beforehand. So, pray, send me good thoughts and happy wishes...and I'll let you know how it turns out in the end. :-)

Quote of the Week...And....

2011-11-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

"The power of imagination makes us infinite." -John Muir

Image credit: ministryofdawah.com

-AND-

Because I'm a bit slow, in explaining about doing the NaBloPoMo this month, I'll link to it so that BlogHer can do the explaining for me! NaBloPoMo

-AND-

My favorite part of today's post. T sent me pics of my daughter in her Halloween costume. Yay for pics! So now I'm sharing a couple with you. Doesn't she make a pretty ballerina? :-)

My little ballerina

With Mommy & Daddy

Busy Month

2011-11-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

Image credit: laozhuang08.blogspot.com

Today's the first day of November. It's also time to participate in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), National Adoption Awareness Month, 30 Days of Thankful, and the month of my daughter's 2nd birthday. She'll be 2 on the 10th, actually.

During NaBloPoMo, those who are participating are supposed to blog every day about something. I think with my daughter turning 2, National Adoption Awareness Month, and concentrating on one thing I'm thankful for every day for 30 days, I'll have plenty about which to write.

One of my dear fellow birthmom friends and I were talking this morning about how difficult National Adoption Awareness Month is for her. It is for me, too. It's so easy to get caught up in being envious of all the people who have full arms through adoption and think, "Well what about me? I have empty arms!" I think while it's especially painful this time of year, almost having it rubbed in your face (though that's the furthest thing from what the adoptive parents, at least the ones I know, want us to feel and think), I think it's easy to get caught up in that "land" all year round.

But I also think that concentrating on being thankful for something every day, even something small and seemingly insignificant, can keep us from getting stuck in the "if onlys" and "what ifs." So today I'm thankful for my the support I've received because of the placement of my daughter. I love you all!

Quote of the Week: Diffeence

2011-10-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've posted this quote already or not, but it spoke to me today, so here ya go.

Image credit: sjhannam.edublogs.org

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." -William James

It's Not Easy Being Green

2011-10-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

Image credit: muppet.wikia.com

Those of you who are familiar with Kermit the Frog singing "It's Not Easy Being Green" will know it's a song about Kermit complaining about the color of his "skin" and then realizing that it's not so bad and it's beautiful after all. On its surface, that's what the song is about. But if you look a little deeper, that song can be applied to so many things.

When faced with such a momentous decision as the decision all birthmoms make in placing their children for adoption, I argue that the decision contributes to our individual "greenness." It's irrevocable and life changing. We cannot be who we once were ever again. It becomes an integral part of our day-to-day lives and most of our decision making processes. Therefore it's as if we've changed our skin color.

At the beginning of the song, Kermit is describing how he's not other colors that make him more important or "tall" or more beautiful. Some birthmoms get stuck in that grieving process Kermit describes. We get stuck in regret. We start thinking that we will never be worth anything to anyone because we "gave away" our child. We worry constantly that we've made a horrible decision and think that "if only" we'd been given more options or "if only" our lives were a little different that we wouldn't have made the decision we did. "If only" we were a different "color."

Yes, it's possible. It's possible that if whatever circumstances led to your decision to place your child were slightly different that you could be raising your child now. It's possible that you could've changed your circumstances for the better and would be able to support both of you. When I placed my daughter with her parents, I didn't know what the future would bring. I only knew then that I didn't feel emotionally or physically ready to parent my daughter and that her parents were ready for that challenge.

So, we can choose to regret the "color" we are. We can choose to mope every day about a decision that we cannot change, or we can rock our "greenness." We can find beauty in our situations whatever they may be despite the pain that we will never stop feeling on some level. My heart hurts for those birthmoms in broken open adoptions. My heart hurts for the regret I know they feel.

But personally, I choose to rock being green. I cannot go back on the decision I made now, even if I wanted to go back on it. Kermit says at the end of the song that "when green is all there is to be, it can make you wonder why, but why wonder" and then he says "I am green. It'll do fine. It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be." I want to be green. It's beautiful. I'm thankful that I'm who I am, including being a birthmom. It's what I want to be.

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project 2011

2011-10-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you who've not been paying attention, there's a pretty linky button on my sidebar that looks like this one.

I'm going to tell you what it's about. Heather over at Production, Not Reproduction has designed an interview project. This is not only for people in open adoptions, but all adoptions and all sides of adoption. We will all be paired up and then we get to ask each other questions. After we ask these questions, we will post them on our own blogs and link back to Heather's blog, where we'll get to peruse other people's blogs. I'm SO excited to be participating! So if you've been affected by adoption and have a blog, head on over HERE to sign yourself up. Then spread the word like I am on your Facebook page, on Twitter, on your blog, or on a combination of the three.

Five Minute Friday: Beyond

2011-10-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

Image credit: universe-beauty.com

Today's unscripted, unedited, five-minute write is on the topic: BEYOND. For more, visit here.

GO

Beyond. Beyond what our eyes can see. I hope for things beyond our current situation. I hope for a little girl to grow up knowing I placed her with her parents, not because I didn't love her or want her, but because I did love her and want the absolute best for her. I hope for the relationship with her and her parents to continue to grow and blossom.

Beyond what's here and now. I see a little girl who loves her daddy and momma, and I hope that she continues to be bonded to them like she is now. She fits in with their personalities so well, and I'm so happy with that knowledge. I hope that she will never feel alone or unusual in her family. I hope that her parents will continue to foster the relationship with us so that she'll never feel abandoned.

Beyond. My hopes create a world beyond.

STOP

OAR #31: Fear in Open Adoption

2011-10-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

Image credit: beinglatino.wordpress.com

Quote of the Week: Dark Moments

2011-10-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

Image credit: ece.neu.edu

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." -Aristotle Onassis

Pumpkins & Hikes

2011-10-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh. What a great visit! We got to discuss some deeper adoption topics and got to find out a little more about their journey to adoption too. I've been wanting to know a lot more about that, so it felt good to spend some time on the subject. We spent some great time (and I got oodles of pictures) at the pumpkin patch, and then we went trail walking while Mack slept. Got some great hiking done in the process. In fact, I felt sorry for the guys, lifting the stroller up stairs set into the walking paths and C got a GREAT workout pushing the stroller up all the hills!

My favorite part of the day has to have been the fact that Mack can now pronounce my name. She says Mah-kuh. Close enough. <3 I swear I felt just as "oozy" over it as any mom raising her children feels when they call her "momma" for the first time and actually mean it to call her. :) <3

That's it in a nutshell. And now for some pictures. It was SO hard to narrow it down....so enjoy!

Riding the "horsie"

"Driving" the tractor. She loved that thing!

Walking with momma & daddy

The kid loves water. She was so proud to be standing in that icky mud puddle.

Look how tall she is! :)

In one of the wheelbarrows. The little "pumpkin." :)

With the pumpkins behind her.

Us, of course. :) I look like crap, but it's the best picture of us & her. :)

Gleeful grin!

Five Minute Friday: Ordinary

2011-10-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

Image credit: staff.fms.k-12.nm.us

It's Friday...yay!! Time to sit down for five minutes and write from the heart. Today's topic, again inspired by the gypsy mama, is Ordinary.

GO

Ordinary moments, so often taken for granted. We watch them slip away without so much as a backward glance and then realize later how much we miss those special moments.

As someone who is not raising her daughter, my life is full of those seemingly ordinary moments that turn extraordinary when we're not looking. A first meeting. Laying my eyes and hands on her for the first time. Watching her sleeping while laughing and talking with someone else. An ordinary moment, turned extraordinary by the circumstances surrounding it.

Meeting her parents for the first time. A seemingly ordinary thing, but not so ordinary when you think about it again. It just felt right, and so ordinary, so normal to be with them and to hand her over to them. Moments of love. Love can be so ordinary, and so extraordinary all at once.

It's an ordinary thing to love someone, but it feels so extraordinary too. Maybe that's the whole point. We're supposed to watch the ordinary things, notice them, and when we do that, they become more than ordinary. They become extraordinary.

STOP

OAR #30: Do You Remember the First Time You Heard About Open Adoption?

2011-10-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Week: Peace

2011-10-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

Image credit: brnwebgrrl.com

"Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time." -Lyndon B Johnson

It's Just a Word, Right?

2011-09-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

Image credit: blog.newsystemsthinking.com

This morning I read a blog that made me angry. The blogger doesn't make me angry, it's what she was blogging about. She was angry too.

Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land posted about a particular television network that was spamming parties and groups on Facebook looking for expectant mothers placing their children in open adoptions and the adoptive parents that have been selected. This particular producer also has a twitter profile where she's doing the same thing. So not only is she spamming Facebook, she's spamming Twitter too.

They're obviously not paying attention or think the networks haven't quite done enough shows on mothers who might place their babies for adoption. It's been done, people!! Like Jenna said, do a show on adoptees looking to reunite with their birth families, or do a show on birth families looking for the kids they placed for adoption. That hasn't gotten enough media attention.

What really bugs me is that following a mother who hasn't placed her child yet, whether she intends to or not, with television cameras is a form of coercion. Sure. They may not say anything at all. But like Jenna said in her blog, they don't have to say a word. Any pregnant woman who agrees to do a show like that is signing herself up to be coerced into placing her baby, even if she's not sure about placement initially. After all, the show is about adoption. If she changes her mind and decides to raise the baby herself, she'd be ruining the show.

What the networks don't seem to realize is that the coercion makes all placements done on that show technically illegal. If the mother was coerced and then decides after placement that she wants to raise her child, she can legally take her baby from the adoptive parents. So they're not positively holding up adoption as an appropriate and wonderful choice. They're making the potential adoptive parents party to their coercion too. Yes, the woman knows what she's getting into and I'm sure she signs documents stating the same, but it's still a valid point.

The other thing that bothers me is that @PopMagnetEnt's profile on Twitter states that they're looking for "expectant birth moms." A woman is NOT a birth mom until AFTER placement. Before placement if she's decided to carry her baby to term, she's just a mother, or just an expectant mother - no "birth" in either one of those terms. She's legally, emotionally, and physically caring for the baby in her body, just like an adoptive mother does after placement. That makes her that baby's mother. Pure and simple. Calling someone a birth mom (or first mom) after placement is a way of continuing to acknowledge the relationship she has to that child. Calling a pregnant woman anything but "expectant mom" or just "mom" before placement is also coercion. There's an expectation there that she's going to place her baby for adoption before she's made that decision in the form of legally signing away parental rights. If there are going to continue to be documentaries or shows about mothers placing or not placing their children for adoption, open or not, the producers need to get the terms right. Yes, it's "just" a word. But words are powerful and come with all sorts of emotions attached to them.

Five Minute Friday: On Friends

2011-09-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

Image credit: studentsoftheworld.info

This Friday's prompt from the gypsy mama is On Friends. We write for 5 minutes, unedited about what this subject means to us. Join us!

GO

Friends. What a powerful word. I've met so many friends because I'm a birthmom, and they're some of my very dearest friends. I have friends that aren't birthmothers as well, but they're among the few versus the majority.

I don't know what it is, exactly. The commonality of being a birthmother and in a constant state of mourning the children we're not raising is a powerful bond. Don't get me wrong. We all know we made the correct decision for the time, and don't regret the parents that are raising our children. But, we still grieve, and grieving brings people together like practically nothing else can.

I also consider my daughter's parents friends, and that is a wonderful thing to say. I just told them that Nick and I truly enjoy their company and would consider them friends even if we weren't biologically related to their daughter. I miss them when I don't hear from them. Not because I'm anxious that they've "cut us off" and I won't get to hear from my daughter until she's old enough to make the decision to contact me herself, if she does. I miss them because I truly like them as people, and I enjoy spending time with them.

That is true friendship. Friends...become family.

STOP

Birthday Letter

2011-09-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

Image credit: british-legal-centre.com

With my daughter's mom's blessing, I'm writing my daughter a letter every year on her birthday. Since we're having a visit next Sunday (the 9th) and won't be having another visit until after her birthday, I've composed the letter early. Here it is:

Another year older already! How time flies.

Every year around this time, I start remembering back to when I met you for the first time. You were beautiful, and still are. Holding you was an incredible experience for me, and a life changing one too. I’ll never forget the way I felt when they placed you in my arms. Much has changed since then. Our lives are different now. You’ve changed so many people’s lives for the better simply by being you. Like your mom tells me, you have so many people wrapped around your finger, including Nick and me!

It’s been amazing to me to be able to watch you grow and blossom under your parents’ love and care. You’ve started walking this year, and you’re talking up a storm too. I love how you say “elbow” and then want to kiss them. I don’t know where that came from, but I think it’s absolutely adorable. You love water, and the fish that swim in it. Hats are evidently not meant to be worn, despite your mom & dad’s efforts to the contrary. You’re wearing bows now though – for the longest time you wouldn’t. You look so much older with more hair, a lot less like the baby I placed in your parent’s arms. I find it ironic that you have more hair than my younger niece (your biological cousin) and she’s twice your age! I love the curls in your hair.

Nick and I might be moving next year. He’s getting out of the Army, and his getting a new job might involve moving, so we might not be able to see you as much in person as we’ve been able to in the past. I’ve treasured every moment spent with you and your parents. Seeing you grow not only through emails, letters, and pictures from your mom & dad but in person means the world.

Though we may get to a point in the future where we don’t see you as much, always remember that Nick & I think of you every day. You’re always in our hearts and minds, and we both love you very much. You’ve brought so much joy into our lives, and we are so proud to be your birth parents.

Happy 2^nd Birthday, Mackenzie!

I know she won't be able to understand the letter at 2, but since her parents intend to keep the letters for her to read later (and I know they'll read it now - maybe even to her), it's my hope that this will offer her a glimpse into my heart for her when I can't convey how I feel.

Quote of the Week: Judging

2011-09-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

Image credit: jasonbhuffman.wordpress.com

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant." -Robert Louis Stevenson

Five Minute Friday; Growing

2011-09-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today's prompt, brought to us by the gypsy mama, is Growing. Five minutes to write from the heart with no editing.

Image credit: yankodesign.com

GO

I can't believe how fast she's growing. I just saw her at the beginning of August, and by the time I see her on October 9th (my next visit date), she'll have grown some more. She's almost two. The mere realization of that fact almost overwhelms me.

Her mother tells me of the many ways her mind is growing. She can count at least to 6, and she knows all the letters of the alphabet. She not only says the alphabet, but she recognizes letters out of order. Growing, growing, growing. Her hair is growing too. Her dad's father is an amateur photographer and came down to visit over Labor Day weekend. T sent some of the pictures of the "photo shoot." I can't believe how much older she looks. Growing, growing, growing.

She's growing in love too. You see it in her parent's eyes. You see it in hers. She's loved, by not only me and Nick, but by her family too. She's growing in acceptance by them each and every day. I worried when I placed her that she might be looked upon as an outsider, but she's not. She's...family, and that makes me happy.

Her parents, Nick, and I, are growing in a relationship too. Every communication between us gets less...stilted. There's trust being built. Trust is growing. Happiness and love, are growing.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Change

2011-09-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

Image credit: soundcloud.com

"If you're in a bad situation, don't worry, it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry, it'll change." -John A. Simone, Sr.

OAR #29: Your Favorite Post

2011-09-16T23:24:00.000-07:00


Image credit: viewfrommyseats.com

This Open Adoption Roundtable assignment asks us to review our own blogs and pick a favorite post. While I can't say that this is my all-time favorite post for certain, "A rant" most definitely my current favorite. Why? Because this post seems particularly relevant to a lot of the birth mothers that I've been running into lately. One of my favorite birthmom bloggers, Kelsey Stewart, has posted about this very subject more recently than mine. You can find her post here.

When you're finished reading those, go to the original assignment post. There are some links to some awesome blogs down at the bottom. My favorite was from "Bumber's Bumblings" when her son's birth mom wrote a guest post about their first meeting for her blog. That one brought tears to my eyes.

Enjoy!

She's wearing bows!

2011-09-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

T just sent me a picture of my daughter wearing a bow in her hair. For the longest time, she's not wanted anything in her hair at all....or on her head, for that matter. Her parents have stated multiple times that she just takes hats off as soon as they put them on her head, and even a bicycle helmet they had difficulty with. It was only when she got that going for a bike ride with daddy was fun, but couldn't happen unless she wore the helmet, that she kept the helmet on. :-)

Anyway, her hair's gotten longer (unbelievable to me since my niece is twice her age and still doesn't have much hair - though it's gotten longer recently), and T has said that she has been swatting at her hair to get it out of her eyes. T was finally able to get her to wear bows because it keeps the hair out of her eyes. Cause and effect is a wonderful thing - Mackenzie gets something she wants (her hair out of her eyes), and Mommy gets something she wants! Now if they could only keep the hat on.... ;-)

Enjoy!

At T's aunts house - they couldn't have chosen a better outfit! :-)

Quote of the Week: Adversity

2011-09-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

Image credit: morestrawberry.com

"All the adversity in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." -Walt Disney

Seaside, OR!

2011-09-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share a few of my favorite shots from this past weekend. The weather was fabulous. I got burned just a little, and Nick got fried to a crisp (serves him right for not wearing sunblock!).

Enjoy!

Me at one of my favorite places in the universe. I <3 cheese!!

I also sent this to T & C via email. Hope they like it!

Starfish caught in the act of eating a crab...one of the many tide pools we visited.

Pedal boating. I'd never done it before in my life. It was fun, but hard work! :-)

Me and Nick overlooking the beach at Seaside...at sunset. Purdy.

Quote of the Week: Family

2011-08-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

Image credit: silhouettesclipart.com

I don't generally care for much this guy says, but this quote is in honor of my twitter friend, @3catsandababy, who just went to court yesterday to make final the adoption of their son. Congrats, happy family!

"Dad kept us out of school, but school comes and goes. Family is forever." -Charlie Sheen

Five Minute Friday: Older

2011-08-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Image credit: en.loadtr.com

This Friday's prompt, inspired by the gypsy mama, is Older.

GO

What an appropriate word for the day. As I just had my birthday and crossed the "magical" line of 35, I've been allowing myself to feel older. I don't know why. I shouldn't.

I've also been emotionally starting to prepare for my daughter's second birthday. I don't know why, but this one seems harder than the first. Maybe it is because I know what's coming, or I fear the emotional time that I think it might be. It might not be as bad as I think it will be at all. I just know I had quite a hard time with her first birthday and am already anticipating the second.

I asked my daughter's mom if she would be comfortable with me writing my daughter a yearly letter to send to her, and she stated that she thought it was an awesome idea. That right there just floored me. An awesome idea means she's encouraging a relationship between me and my daughter. So yay for that! Anyway, I think that's another reason I'm feeling emotionally prepped already for the birthday - because I'm thinking already of what I want to write to her. Obviously at 2, she won't be able to read and understand what I'm saying yet, so I'm more anxious to get sentiments across to her than anything else. We'll see how it goes.

But somehow, I'm at peace with this whole thing, as scared as I also am. I know that I made the best decision I could, and don't feel confident that had I been younger, at least in spirit, that I would have made the same decision. I'm thankful for "older,"and I refuse to let my age or my daughter's get to my spirit.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Anger

2011-08-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

Image credit: curtskene.wordpress.com

In "honor" of my subjects of yesterday's blog post....

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." Louis L'Amour

A rant....

2011-08-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

Image credit: blog.sweetestmemories.com

I don't quite know where this post is going; I only feel that I must say something, even if it turns into a rant on this blog. My apologies in advance if this post ends up being confusing in any way.

I'm a member of a birthmom group on Facebook. One of the people there posted a bunch of books that she had read recently - one of them being "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child" by Nancy Verrier. I've not yet read this book, though it's actually on my list. My understanding is that the book is a commentary of the emotional wound that occurs when a child is separated from his or her birth parents. The author is a psychologist (I believe. Please don't take my word as truth on that for sure....) who has done extensive interviews with adoptees as well as research on the topic. My own understanding of the book is that there are no interviews or research done on the benefits of open adoption with the children. I might be wrong. After reading all the books that I have recently on open adoption, I'm a believer that it can be highly beneficial for the child to grow up knowing his or her birth parents. I inquired about this book specifically in the FB group post because I was curious as to how the reader had felt about the book. She said that she had loved it and felt like it was a book written specifically for her. I made a comment that books like that were definitely an argument for open adoption. I wasn't assuming that open adoption would "cure" all wounds received by anyone during the adoption process - just making a comment that I believe that open adoption can help a lot with abandonment issues and things like that.

Apparently at least one frequent poster/member of the group is extremely anti-adoption. She calls adoptive parents simply "adopters," which I feel is very disrespectful to their roles as parents. She responded to my comment and we had quite the lively discussion about the fact that she thinks that adoption is a "scam" (her word, not mine). When she made that comment, I felt that it was coming from a position of hurt and grief, and I made a comment to the like. I also said that despite my own grief sometimes that I knew that I had made the choice. Absolutely no one forced me to sign relinquishment papers, and as far as I know, even back in the era of "baby snatchers," relinquishment papers still had to be voluntarily signed to be legal. There could be no coercing of the birth mother (or father, for that matter) or there would be nothing the parents could do if the birthmother decided she wanted her child back. Obviously in the era of closed adoptions where no information was given, it would've been harder for a birthmother to get her child back in that situation, but that's a different point entirely. The comment that I made about her being hurt about a broken adoption took us to a different topic, so there was no further discussion. However, my point is still valid. No matter how much regret we may have about placing our children, whether due to grief, broken promises involved in placement, or a combination of the two, we made the choice to place our children for adoption, with the families that we placed them with.

I'm not saying here that I don't have the greatest sympathy for those birthparents out there who are denied contact with their children through no fault of their own. I can't imagine the pain that something like that would cause. Misunderstandings in such a delicate relationship can be blown way out of proportion. Inadvertent comments on the part of the birthparent due to grief are liable to be misconstrued. Adoptive parents (in general) can worry that we as birthparents think we're "better" than the adoptive parents because we gave birth to our children, something that they weren't able to do. But as a birthmom, I have the greatest admiration for my daughter's parents because they are doing something I could not do - they are raising my child. They give her the support she needs and will continue to do so as she grows. That is so awesome, and in my humble opinion, makes them "better" than me.

I'm not telling birth parents to "get over it" when they're dealing with broken promises or whatever their own situation might be. What I am saying is that blaming the entire adoption system, calling it a scam, and trying to prohibit everyone that might come into contact with you from even considering that option when faced with an unplanned pregnancy is not going to help. All the blame and anger in the world is not going to give you back your child, nor is it going to change the fact that you made a choice to place your child for adoption. It bugs me that birthmoms who are hurting blame the adoptive parents - thinking they made promises that they never intended to keep just to get the birthmom to place their child with them. Sure, there may be a couple of adoptive couples out there who will say and do anything just to get the chance to parent. But I don't believe that's the majority.

It also bothers me that grief getting in the way causes expectations of perfection in adoptive parents. True. They can give your child things you cannot give, or choose not to give for whatever reason. But that doesn't mean that they're perfect. They're human too, just like you are (as a birthmom). They can make promises with the best of intentions and promises can be broken. Again, I understand the hurt. I just don't understand turning that hurt into a movement to destroy a good and valid option. Unfortunately, there have been a few birth parents that have gone more than a little nuts due to the grief and have done illegal and immoral things to try to cure that grief by getting their children back...even some legally (as in the case that I discussed in my blog a couple of weeks ago). Due to this and the simple fact that adoptive parents as a whole can and do struggle with feelings of inadequacy, those few cases have been blown out of proportion and all birth parents can now seem evil to potential adoptive parents. We as birth parents persecute adoptive parents for being cautious around us due to that, and perhaps they shouldn't feel that way. But how can we "throw stones" at them for doing that when we're busy blaming them for things that as a whole they're not doing either? How can we take a few cases of PAPs that will tell and perform lies just to get babies and turn every PAP and adoptive parent into the few?

Okay. I feel much better now after getting that off my chest. Thanks for tolerating my rant! :-)

Another update

2011-08-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

I just got T & C's latest update letter as well as a cute actual birthday card. It has fish all over it, of course. T didn't say anywhere, but it makes me think Makayla helped pick it out. :-) Anyway, she enclosed this picture with the letter and card....

All I can say is "oh poor kid." I looked at the picture and I'm just struck by how much she looks like ME. We have similar grins and everything. I guess I should take that as a compliment since I look at her and think she's beautiful. But if she's beautiful and looks like me, then that's saying I'm beautiful, and that causes a problem with me. Oy vey.

Anyway, I am grateful she and I look similar because that does remind me of the connection I have to her. THAT is a good thing. :-)

Five Minute Friday: New

2011-08-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

Image credit: thenewexcellence.com

Today's topic for Five Minute Friday inspired by the gypsy mama, is: New. Here goes five minutes....

GO

New is the way she smells; the way she looks. New is the way she interacts with me and the world around her each time I see her. New are her expressions, her voice, more teeth, and more hair (I can't believe that last one - so MUCH of it!). New are the words she's adding to her vocabulary by leaps and bounds, new her understanding of things around. I can almost see all the neurons in her brain firing.

Not new is the way I feel about her. I loved her at first sight, and I always will. Not new is all the time I spend thinking about her and wondering what she's doing.

Renewed is our relationship with her parents every time that we communicate or see each other. I feel renewed after every communication in my love for all three of them. They're truly members of the family, and I'm so privileged to know them.

They make me feel....new.

STOP

ARC: Dear Birthmother

2011-08-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm going through these books fast! I think my next one will take a bit longer, but the first 2 books were fairly quick reads.

Image credit: Amazon.com

The next adoption-related book on my list is "Dear Birthmother," 3rd Revised Edition, by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin.

I have mixed feelings about this book. One of my friends and a fellow birthmother had this book sent to her by the agency she used while she was still pregnant and considering her alternatives. She felt as if it were the "perfect book to guilt someone into placing their child for adoption." I don't know which "revision" she read, or if she read the "original" printing.

This book is divided into 2 parts. The first part covers the 4 myths of adoption: One, the birthmother doesn't care. Two, secrecy is necessary in every phase of adoption to protect all parties involved. Three, that both the birthparents will forget their child. The fourth addresses the "fact" that if an adoptee really loves his or her adoptive parents, he or she won't feel the need to search for his or her birthparents.

With the exception of a statement during the debunking of the second myth saying, "For the birthparents this opportunity to take pride in their responsible act of adoption....,"** I thought that the entire section was well-written and confirmed what I've already begun to feel about open adoption being good for all involved. I didn't like the connotation of the aforementioned statement because it seemed to me that they were saying these same people wouldn't be considered "responsible" if they chose to and had the power to parent their own children. While I'm definitely a proponent of adoption over abortion if a mother feels as if those are her only two options, I feel if she wants to parent and has the resources (or can get them), she should be encouraged to do so. In my case, even at 34 when I gave birth, I didn't feel as if I had the resources, mainly emotionally, but physically too, to parent, so adoption was a wonderful option for me.

The second part, entitled "Beyond the Myths," addresses the parts of the adoption triangle individually. It has a section on the preparation that should go into the new parents, as well as the counseling pre- and post-placement for the birthparents. I really liked the "agency point of view" on counseling and intermediary availability "preached" throughout the second part. It caused me to wonder how much support and learning my daughter's parents went through prior to adopting my daughter, and to regret that our agency does not offer real support in the form of classes, workshops, or support groups to either the birthparents or the adoptive parents post-placement. In the chapter on providing birthparents support both pre- and post-placement, a statement from a birthmom saying that she felt she wasn't responsible enough to care for a baby bugged me a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't mark it to return to later, and so I won't attempt to make a direct quote.

In recommending this book, I would say that both pre- and post-placement adoptive parents would benefit the most from reading this, perhaps as well as extended family members or close friends of the adoptive parents who would benefit from a greater understanding of both the birthparent and the adoptive parent points of view. I wouldn't recommend this to a birthmother prior to the successful placement of her child, nor would I recommend this to a mother who hasn't fully decided on adoption for her baby. Adoption is an intense decision that must be made out of greatest concern and love for the unborn child - not one that's made out of feelings of guilt. This book would unwittingly perpetrate those feelings in a potential birthmother, I fear.

**pg. 40, 3rd paragraph, 2nd to last sentence

ARC: Children of Open Adoption and Their Families

2011-08-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

As most of you now know if you've been paying attention to my blog, I've become increasingly involved in a community of Open Adoption Bloggers. One of those bloggers, Jenna of The Chronicles of Munchkin Land, created Adoption Reading Challenge 2011, or ARC, as I will abbreviate it on my blog when I review the books I've read. I don't fit into any of the "levels" explained on the challenge as most of the books currently on my list are non-fiction, but I will title my posts that way anyway. My desire to read more about adoption in general and as it relates to my own adoption situation has grown exponentially since the beginning of this year, and when I happened upon this post, I felt elated that I finally had a bit of motivation to start my reading.

Image credit: Amazon.com

The first adoption book that I read was "Children of Open Adoption and Their Families," written by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez-Dorner.

Since I'm in an open adoption with my daughter and her parents, I came into reading this book with the hope that it would offer practical advice or insights in dealing with the complexities of open adoption. It didn't. What it did offer was reasonable explanations and insights from real adoptions as to the benefits of having an open adoption.

I thoroughly enjoyed the tidbits of stories shared, and a few of them even brought me to tears. One of my favorite insights by a birthmom shared early on in the book was the following: "When I see her, I don't want her back. I would never go steal her away because I know where she is. It's a good feeling to see them and know she's okay [talking about her birthdaughter]." It is my hope that if potential adoptive parents (or even adoptive parents who are reluctant to facilitate or continue contact with their child's birthparents) read statements like this that they'll realize that the intent of the birthparent is not to damage the bonds that the adoptive parent creates with their child. We only want to have a bond of our own.

This book doesn't address many birth parent issues directly. In fact, it doesn't address at all when adoptive parents break promises of contact that the birth parents want to continue, it just talks about the importance of adoptive parents continuing to try to make contact when the birth parents (or the birthmother in specific) breaks contact for whatever reason. It does devote several paragraphs to the positivity that many birthmothers actually experience when they keep up some sort of contact (cards/letters, phone calls, or even visits) with their children. "Birthparents report that when emotionally dealing with their adoption decision, they sometimes remain in a state of numbness - intertwined with grief and guilt. ....When no contact is available, birthparents are more likely to fixate on [these] issues, attacking their self-esteem and not progressing in the working through of the separation from their child." I thought these sentences were particularly poignant as I know more than one birthmother who has been denied contact with her child, and I've seen what it does to them emotionally. It is my hope that when adoptive parents read this book that they'll get insight into what it truly feels like to be a birthmother denied even the smallest of accesses to her child.

My favorite part of the book was a small section toward the end that addressed the discomfort of adoptive grandparents toward open adoption in general and told the stories of a couple of those grandparents that had come to terms with the decision that their children made to have open adoption with their child's birthparents. This was particularly applicable to me as I know that both sets of my daughter's grandparents (with whom her parents have extremely close relationships) have expressed reluctance to support T & C's decision to have an open adoption with Nick and me.

All in all, this book was a good first foray into the "world" of adoption books. I would consider it a great read for potential adoptive parents as well as adoptive parents already in the process of rearing their children, even those who may already be in various stages of openness with their child's birthmother.

Quote of the Week: Age

2011-08-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Image credit: ministryofdawah.com

Since my birthday was yesterday, I've been thinking a lot about aging recently. This quote reminds me of what's important....

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." -Mark Twain

Happy Birthday to Me!

2011-08-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't normally post something like that on my blog. After all, it's kind of weird to wish yourself a happy birthday.

However, my daughter's mom emailed me to wish me a Happy Birthday (that would've been enough right there) and to give me the gift of a picture of my daughter that she took last Friday. This is why I'm blogging. I had to share the pic with all of you too. :-)

Holy cow! I know we just saw them less than a week before that picture was taken, but she looks totally different! I think it's the hair. I can't believe how much her hair has grown in a week! We've been talking about the possibility of another visit sometime around the Labor Day weekend, which I'm excited enough about, but she's going to look like a completely different kid! I just can't get over it. I'm used to looking at pictures of her and thinking..."she doesn't look that much like me" but then realizing how much she looks like my side of the family when I see a pic of her and me together. I'm definitely going to have to get a pic taken with her at our next visit just so I can remind myself that she came from me! Actually, when I first saw the picture, I thought, that's my sister's kid (she looks a LOT like my nieces). Dang.

So.....thank you T & C for the fabulous birthday gift of a picture of my daughter, and for the birthday wish in the first place. It totally made my day!

Five Minute Friday: Beauty

2011-08-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Today's topic inspired by the gypsy mama is beauty. Five minutes to write on what that word means to me...

GO

Beauty is the scar that almost runs from my left hip to my right hip. Beauty is the product of that scar. I don't think of myself as beautiful, but I know that she is. Beauty is the proof that Nick and I love each other, and loved her enough to place her with a family that would give her the things we felt that we could not provide.
Beauty is the relationship we're building with her family. Beauty is the trust they show in us. Beauty is the wonder that they're encouraging the relationship we have with our daughter and not running away from that same relationship.

Beauty is the ache that I feel for her...even though it hurts, I can find beauty in that pain. Beauty is the love I see in T & C when they look at my daughter, when they interact with her. I feel that love even when I'm not in their presence. I see beauty in the pictures they take of her and share with me. Beauty is love, love is beautiful. Beauty is knowing that something from me filled a hole in T & C's hearts. She....is beauty, and she is from me.

Quote of the Week: Change

2011-08-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

Image credit: scarefx.com

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." -Anatole France

More pics!

2011-08-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

T emailed me some of the pics from our visit on Saturday, so I thought I'd share a couple with you. Enjoy!

Group shot! :-)

Saying "eye" and pointing to the sheep's eye

Nick & Me :-)

Awesome Day

2011-08-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, we had a visit with our daughter and her parents this past Saturday. Usually we plan out what we're going to do at least a couple of weeks in advance and I know approximately how much time we're going to get with her, but not this time! It made me kind of nervous since T & I didn't even start emailing about when and where we were going to meet until the beginning of last week. They're busy, of course, but since we hadn't talked about the visit date for a couple of weeks at that point, the worrywart in me took over and I started wondering if we were still even planning a get-together or not.

Outdoor (and indoor) options are pretty limited with a near two-year-old. She's too busy to be entertained at a park for more than a couple of hours, and it's not like even if Portland had any sort of amusement park that she'd be old enough to enjoy it yet. So...we planned to go to the zoo. Again. T suggested that we could also walk around some of the parks, the Vietnam memorial, and trails surrounding the zoo as well (for those of you that aren't familiar, the Portland Zoo is in the middle of Washington Park - a beautiful network of trails, an arboretum, the Children's Museum, the Zoo, and I think a rose garden too). I basically told T that Nick and I didn't care where we met - that it was the time we spent together that mattered. She completely agreed and seemed almost surprised (pleasantly so) that we felt that way. (In my head, I thought, "Duh!" to that one!)

Anyway, Nick and I had originally planned to go to the Beaverton Elmer's Restaurant (delicious PNW restaurant with local produce and yummy food - kind of like a Denny's idea, except MUCH better food) for breakfast before meeting them, and when I mentioned we'd be doing that, T suggested that they could just meet us there for breakfast and then we could all head to the zoo from there. I totally thought that idea rocked. It's not like we haven't shared meals together before (picnic lunches, usually), but it just seemed different.

We met them at 9 for breakfast, ate, hung out, and watched Mackenzie bloom. She was a bit shy and quiet at first (as to be expected), but then she started grinning and babbling away. She's got a weird (but cute) thing for saying "elbow," pointing to it, and then wanting to kiss other people's elbows. It's so dang cute. Just makes me ooze even thinking about it. After we finished breakfast, Nick and I had to search out a Starbucks for me, and then we headed to the zoo. They beat us, of course, and said that they thought we'd gotten lost until I explained that it was my fault (I'm a coffee snob, what can I say?)! lol We walked around the zoo, looked at the animals, chased Mackenzie, talked, tried to get her to sleep (she stubbornly resisted until we decided to walk around some of the Washington Park grounds), and watched her grin. She's a kid full of smiles, that's for sure! She also LOVES water. I'm attaching a pic I took of C actually pulling her away from a "waterfall" that's right on one of the paths in the zoo. It looks like he's putting her there, but she literally wanted to get drenched in the stuff. Brrrrrrr!!

After we left the zoo, we walked around the park grounds and back in the trails for about an hour, and then went to one of the lawns to get some group shots of us together after Mackenzie woke up. C was wearing an REI baseball cap (I'm also attaching a pic of her wearing that) that she kept taking off his head. Evidently hats are NOT meant to be worn - T & C both said that they have the hardest time getting her to wear hats. Anyway, the cap had REI on the front of it, and then Recreational Equipment Inc printed out in small capital letters on the bill. When we were hanging out on the lawn of the park before we took our group shot, Mackenzie was recognizing random letters without any prompting from T or C on the bill of the hat. Normally kids don't start doing that until about 2.5 years, so Mackenzie's a genius. Evidently on Friday, she started pointing out random numbers as well. Smart, smart kid. I can't help but be proud considering she came from me!

We were with them until nearly 5 o'clock when they had to get home to make dinner and see if they could put her down for the night a bit early (since she didn't have as long of a nap as she usually takes). All in all, a GREAT and amazing day! I don't have very many pics - T & C haven't emailed me the ones they've taken yet (including the group shot), but I'm also posting a couple of pics of pics that I took of a couple of the pics that T brought with her to give to us. Yay for pics (considering the last ones we got from them was ONE in March)!

So,. enjoy!

Playing in her sandbox at home (one of the pics T brought with them)

Playing at the dinner table (one of the pics T brought with them)

In the "waterfall"

Playing with Nick's sunglasses. Can't really see her, but I think it's a cute pic anyway!

With daddy's REI hat

Five Minute Friday: Whole

2011-08-05T09:35:00.000-07:00


Image credit: chandra.harvard.edu

It's Friday again, and time for writing. Today's prompt inspired by the gypsy mama is Whole. So I'm going to write....

GO

Some people could say that I'm not whole. Sometimes I agree with them. I'm not whole as a person anyway. We strive our whole lives to feel whole, and I think that's what life is about - that striving to become our own definition of what that word means to us.

There's a quote that says that if you decide to have a child, it's a decision to have your heart forever walk around outside your body. To feel that way about a child you're parenting is momentous enough. To have your heart walking around outside your body when you don't get to see that heart very often (if at all, for some birthmoms) is even more weighty.

I get to see my daughter and her parents tomorrow. I'm so excited I can hardly concentrate on much at all. But I know that when I see her...even if I'm not holding her or directly interacting with her...I will feel whole. Even for a moment.

I know that I made the right decision. That even though you're "supposed to" raise your own children that my daughter was not meant to be raised by me. I feel strongly that she was meant to bless not only me and Nick with her presence, but another family entirely as well.

So....instead of just a birthfamily, she makes us all family. Her presence not only makes me whole, but us all whole too.

I love you always, my daughter.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Living

2011-08-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

Image credit: etftrends.com

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." -Mark Twain

A Different Sort of Anniversary

2011-08-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

2 days ago marked a year since I broke my left humerus, and just over 7 months since the doctor gave me full clearance to start working my arm and shoulder again. After nearly 5 months with my arm in a sling, my arm muscles had severely atrophied, and my shoulder had developed scar tissue, for lack of a better word. In fact, since I'm measuring my body as part of my weight loss efforts, I was measuring both arms. When I started, there was over an inch difference between my left arm and my right arm because I had absolutely no muscle left in my left arm. This was of course going on the assumption that I had approximately the same amount of fat in both arms (a good assumption) and that before I broke my arm, my left and right arms had approximately the same muscle definition - or lack thereof. :-)

I'm still working on getting full range of motion back on my shoulder, though it's a lot closer than it was back in January when I started this journey of healing. I'm also working my left arm a lot more in general - using it for things that I would've used my right arm for before. As a primarily right-handed person, it's been a challenge to coordinate. I still have to make a conscious effort to use my left arm as not being able to use it at all only reinforced my instinct to use my right hand and right arm.

But...it's getting better. It's now not an effort to reach up higher than my stomach for things with my left arm, and because of my weight loss efforts and regimen of arm exercises (pushups and the like), I'm actually seeing definition that wasn't there before. Exciting! So even though this isn't a typical anniversary, I'm still celebrating. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm healing. I'm celebrating the fact that our bodies are incredible machines, capable of doing so much more than we think. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm now getting much closer to "cresting the mountain" of healing and how much more appreciative this journey has made me of things that I never appreciated before.

So....Happy Anniversary to me! :-)

Joy Through the Pain

2011-07-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Image credit: praiseworks.wordpress.com

I feel compelled to write again today. I've recently picked up a cardio kickboxing DVD to add to my exercise DVD collection. Toward the end of the stretching, Billy Blanks equates working out and causing yourself pain to childbirth. There's pain, yes...but joy comes after the pain.

Since I had a c-section and don't actually remember most of the physical pain (by the time I got home, the pain in healing was mostly done), I'm going to talk about the emotional pain of being a birthmom.

There is a LOT of pain involved in being a birthmom - more than I ever thought possible. I still have entire days that feel like I'm getting set back in my healing process. I'll be doing fine, and then something out of the blue (maybe not even related to children or being a mother of any sort at all) will cause me to feel like I'm in the pit of despair again. I know a birthmom whose placed daughter is now 9 years old. I was talking to her last night about the grieving process, and she said that she no longer has whole days where she feels like she's experiencing a setback; that it's now closer to a few hours or even a little less than that. That gave me comfort to think that someday my painful days will turn into painful hours.

But I'm not focusing on the pain today. I'm focusing on the joy of being a birthmom. I'm focusing on the joy of knowing that I have a daughter out there who is loved beyond measure by both her adopted family and her birth family. That in itself brings me joy - knowing that something that came out of me (little ole me) is causing someone else so much joy and contentment. It also causes me joy to know that I get to consistently build a relationship with her parents. I know that all relationships are not rainbows and lollipops all the time. But at the same time, I have faith that the relationship we're building right now will weather the bad times too. I can find joy and comfort in that fact.

I've been thinking a lot lately that when we ask for joy, patience, happiness, money, whatever....that God (or the universe, whatever you choose to believe) doesn't necessarily give us those things. I think that He gives us the opportunity to cultivate those things for which we've asked. I don't remember asking for joy. But I think somehow that I needed this kind of joy anyway. That I needed the practice to not only find contentment in the circumstances in which I've found myself, but that I needed to find the JOY in those same circumstances. I've always been a "glass half full" type of person. I tend to look for the positives in any situation instead of focusing on the negative. But I think the hazard of dealing with the constant grief that is being a birthmom is that it's all too easy to focus on the grief instead of trying to find ways to focus on the joy.

I don't ever want my daughter to grow up thinking that I think my life is better since I'm not raising her. I don't want her to take that joy and turn it into something ugly. So I'll have to work on that too. I'll have to cultivate my joy in such a way that it doesn't convey that message to her. I worry all the time that she'll take my happiness (if she and I continue to get to have a relationship) and turn it into the fact that I'm happy about not raising her; that I'm happy I "gave her away." That truly isn't the case. But I also have to believe that our children (as birthmothers all over the world) want the best for us - that they want to see us joyful.

So, my beautiful, amazing, and wonderful daughter - this joy's for you!

Five Minute Friday: Still

2011-07-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Image credit: matteroffactsite.blogspot.com

Today's prompt from the gypsy mama through (in)courage is Still. Join with me!

GO

Still. We're STILL waiting for Nick to get his final orders. I'm STILL waiting for my arm/shoulder to completely heal. Actually, I'm working very slowly on the latter.

When I think of "still," I think of stagnant water. Mosquitoes. NO bites! I think of impatience. Of tapping my feet, which is anything but "still." Trying to keep my mind quiet while waiting for something I want is rather like trying to stop a speeding car on a dime 3 feet from the word, "stop." It isn't going to happen. Of course if I ask for patience, if I ask to be still, I'm going to be given things and situations to test that stillness, that patience. I don't think we're automatically given even "good" things we ask for. I think we're given opportunities to grow in what we've asked for ourselves.

So this must be my stillness test. Waiting for Nick to get his final orders has been frustrating, to say the least. But I guess I need to find that still, quiet place inside of me. This is an opportunity to find that peace - to just be still and wait.

STOP

Quote of the Week: On Friends...Again

2011-07-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

Image credit: facebook.com

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

This is Going Too Far!

2011-07-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

Image credit: prajendran.com

On Monday nights, BirthMom Buds hosts a chat for birthmoms across the US (and even Canada) to connect with each other. Some of us have actually met in person, others are friends through the bond we share of being birthmoms, but we've never met. Last night, we got into a discussion regarding contact agreements and broken promises. That comes up a lot as some of the birthmoms that regularly come into chat aren't nearly as fortunate as I am to have consistent contact with their kids' parents and their kids as a result. My dear friend Coley, who happens to be one of the founders of BirthomBuds and one of the chat moderators brought up a case that's been in California courts regarding "broken" open adoptions.

I hadn't heard about it, so I asked to hear more. In this case, a birthmom is suing her child's parents for breech of contract and trying to get custody of her now 7-year old daughter back. Just hearing that biased me against this birthmom, as you all know my feelings about open adoption and legally (or not) binding contact agreements. It's my firm belief that she is damaging not only her relationship with her daughter's parents by doing this, but with her daughter as well. Even the birthmoms with broken hearts over broken contact promises agreed that they could never sue their kids' parents over "breech of contract," much less try to get custody of their legally placed children back. Coley posted the link to this birthmom's website: Bring Peri Home (Peri is her placed daughter's name). On the front page, she's posted a link to legal documents from the court after judgment came down denying her case. She's now taking (or trying to take) the case to the CA Supreme Court. After reading the Respondents Brief and seeing their side of the story, I can see why the judge threw out the case. Her daughter's parents are still going above and beyond what they need to do to give their daughter full knowledge of her birth parents. They are keeping to their original contact agreement with Peri's birthfather (Carla's ex-husband) and 2 biological siblings. I honestly wouldn't blame Peri's parents if they cut contact altogether, especially after being pursued like they have been.

Shortly after placement, Carla started sending Peri's parents daily unsolicited parenting advice emails. Her demands ruined the friendship that was already in place before Peri was born. Yet, Peri's parents continued to send updates, pictures, and keep to the original contact agreement of one visit a year.

This case makes me so angry, not only because Carla has no right to put her daughter's parents through the hell that she put them through even before she started legal action, but because this case is going to add to the negative sentiments of open adoptions everywhere. T (my daughter's a-mom) has admitted to me in the past that both her and C's parents (with whom they have very close relationships) have expressed reluctance to fully support their decision to have an open adoption with us. As such, we don't know their last name or have their home address. That's fine. I completely respect that despite the fact that it strikes me as odd occasionally. I never want them to feel forced into keeping a relationship going with us, and if the fact that we don't have their last name or address causes them and their families comfort, then I will respect that.

I came up with the idea of placing a billboard in Peri's city from birthmoms everywhere stating that we support the adoptive parents and not Carla. I was met with agreement last night on all sides last night during chat. But since a billboard is probably not feasible, consider this public blog my stand against Carla. Though I sympathize with her pain at "losing" her daughter (despite the fact that she voluntarily at all times gave up custody), I cannot condone her actions. I'm afraid for the public's reaction to this and for the potential damage that it could do to already existing open adoption relationships, as well as the potential damage it could cause to adoption relationships yet to be.

Five Minute Friday: Full

2011-07-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

Image credit: 123rf.com

Today I join other writers inspired by the gypsy mama to write on a specific prompt for five minutes. No editing, no proofing. Just writing. Today's prompt is: Full.

GO

Yesterday was a day of grief for me. I felt empty. I spent most of the day alternately feeling okay and then holding on to my tummy while I bawled in loss of my daughter. Yesterday was a raw day. Even though it's been almost 2 years, that loss never goes away.

But today I have a different outlook. Yes, I'm not raising my daughter. But I'm still full. I'm living the life that I'm supposed to live. I'm honoring her with the choice that I make to take good care of myself. I know that her life is full as well, and that means more to me than my own. Because I chose to give her the life I felt I couldn't, she has TWO full families that love and adore her (biological and adopted). She gets to go and do all kinds of things that I don't feel I could have provided.

I'm also full because I'm blessed to give her parents the gift of a child. Yes, ultimately, maybe I could have done a better job parenting and providing for her than I thought I would. Yes, there are people that would argue that my daughter doesn't care about all that she now has - she just wants me. But, I know in my heart that T & C were meant to raise my daughter as their own. It gives me endless fulfillment to even just hear from them about the joy they now live in because of the gift that I had a part in giving to them.

I'm full, and because of me, so are they.

STOP

Quote of the Day: Word to the Wise

2011-07-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

Image credit: successandfailure.net

A little lighter quote today...

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." -Bill Cosby

OAR (Open Adoption Roundtable) #28: Questions Posed by a Closed Adoption Era Adoptee

2011-07-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

Image credit: scubadivemaldives.com

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

This prompt is inspired by Lori of Write Mind, Open Heart, whose friend Joanne of a closed adoption posed the questions I'll answer below. These address the impact of contact agreements (or not) in open adoption.

1. Can the adoptive parents really go back on their word after the adoption has been finalized and do whatever they please in regards to updates and pictures?
Yes, they most definitely can and do, unfortunately. I've heard multitudes of stories from birth mothers in specific stating how their child's parents have gone back on agreed upon contact post-placement.

2.Who is the go-between with most open adoptions: the case worker, the placing agency, or the lawyer handling the adoption?
This one's an interesting one to answer. I honestly am of the opinion that if you're truly talking about an open adoption, then there is no go-between in post-placement contact. In my situation, we don't have their last name or their address. We exchange emails (now, though that didn't happen at the beginning) with them via an anonymous email address and if we send them a return letter (they're pretty good about keeping up with letters and pictures), we send it to the adoption agency we all used, and the adoption agency forwards the letter on to them. They have our last names and physical mailing address, so they send letters directly to us and use the agency mailing address as the return address. We now discuss potential visits via email, and the visits are not monitored by anyone from the agency. They're just in a public place, not their home (which is perfectly fine by me). Though I blog and consider myself in an open adoption, I'd more put it in the category of semi-open adoption due to the fact that we don't have their last name or address.

3. What are the advantages and disadvantages for each of the above contact persons?
I believe most adoptions in the state of Oregon are done through an adoption agency, though I'm not certain if it's legally required to use an agency or not. In my experience, the agency was respectful, albeit a bit pushy (now that I think back on it) with what needed to be done. Since I didn't have any contact with my agency until after my daughter was born and I'd already made the initial decision to place her for adoption, I have no idea whether the agency would've been more pushy if I'd contacted them prior to my daughter's birth or not. I found out much later that T & C were put through the wringer by the agency just prior to my daughter's birth. They told me that they'd had a great relationship with their SW (separate from birth mother's SWs) and their SW had a meltdown and quit the agency right around the time of my daughter's birth. Because of the delay in placement due to my circumstances and probably agency malfunctions from their point of view, they were assigned two different SWs in a period of 2 months, and once they found out I'd picked them, their requests for a meeting or at least a phone call or two with me got ignored. Due to finding out their side of the story, I have to say I'm now more biased against any adoption agency. I'm currently talking to a birthmom in another state that went through a lawyer, not an agency, and the whole process seems much simpler.

4. How can Case Workers be involved in Open Adoption as well if DHS are already so understaffed and the budgets are maxed out for the thousands of forgotten children lost in the system?
I cannot speak to this as I have no experience. I actually did have a Case Worker from DHS involved in my case, but was told multiple times by my Case Worker that my case was far from typical and that he didn't feel the state should be involved at all. I have to say I agreed with him! I do have mixed feelings. If a child is forcibly taken from his or her parents due to abuse, then I really don't think open adoption should be an option. Perhaps if an adoption agency is used, that agency can forward any contact from a child's birthparents to their adoptive parents. That would take the burden of contact from DHS and put it on an independent agency, and still give the birthparents an option to contact their children.

5. Is there an incentive such as money for the adoption agency to be still involved indirectly and indefinitely for an open adoption? Does it cost the prospective adoptive parents more money upfront for it to be an open adoption?
As a birth mother, I have no idea of the fee structures for any adoptive couple when they use an agency. I don't believe T & C paid any more to have an open adoption using the agency they used versus a closed adoption. I also don't believe they're still paying for the services we continue to use from the agency.

6. If the contract is legally binding, what happens to the adoptive parents if they don't follow through? Is there really any legal recourse for both parties that are clearly spelled out?
To my knowledge, there are few states where contact contracts are legally binding. I actually blogged about this subject on the BirthMom Buds Blog. In this post, I stated my firm belief that contact agreements should not be legally binding, as any "penalty" for the adoptive parents would end up not only damaging the relationship between the adoptive and birth parents, but would also hurt the child in question. I know lots of birthmothers that complain about their child's parents not keeping up with their end of the contact agreements, but ultimately I believe most of them wouldn't even begin to think about taking their child's parents to court over the matter. I know I'm among those. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I have more contact than I ever hoped or dreamed about, or even requested. Heartbroken though I may be if T & C should ever choose to let their end of the contact agreement lapse, there's no way I would ever take them to court over the matter. It would do further damage to my hopes of a continuing relationship with them, and may even bias my daughter against wanting to contact me again once she is of legal age to make the decision herself.

7. What deters the birth parents from coming to your house unannounced?
The idea that I would "just drop by" my daughter and her parent's house is repulsive to me. I actually had a discussion with T about this via email. I'd asked what some of their parents concerns were with them having an open relationship with us and she said that this was one of them.

For one, the distance between us (currently approximately a 3-hour drive) is prohibitive of this anyway. Even if we lived closer and we had that sort of relationship, I'd always call before just dropping by. I'm not going to make the effort to see them if they potentially wouldn't even be there! I don't do that with my local family or friends either. I always call first if I'd like to see them and we arrange a time that's mutually convenient. That's just basic politeness.

The other reason is that I need that time to emotionally prepare for a visit prior to actually seeing my daughter and her parents. I'm always glad to see them (T & C included - I truly enjoy their company), but it's still a potentially hard thing to see my daughter and then let her go back to her parents. Perhaps many years from now I'll be able to emotionally handle having a visit with them in their home (should they invite us - we would never invite ourselves), but I don't think that would be the case right now. One of my dear friends who is also a birthmother told me that she used to run into her son & his parents at the store - they lived that close - and that she was thankful to move farther away and put some distance between them. She still has a very open adoption with her son & his parents, but she would never just drop in on them.

8. Do you know if there are any court cases where it's obvious that there are loopholes in Open Adoption that need to be addressed?
I don't, but I'd be interested to hear if there are any currently, or if some come up.

9. Just like there are issues with closed adoptions and we have the outspoken activists, etc., are there any Open Adoption opponents or vice versa that are working to be the voice for the birth mothers as well as the adoptive children and their best interests?
I know of only one birth mother that had an open adoption with her daughter and voluntarily closed it herself - decided to cut off contact so that her "daughter and her parents could move on." Even close friends of this gal say that she has emotional issues, and I tend to agree. I've not only experienced the benefits of open adoption from a birth mother's point of view, but I've read many articles and heard many different voiced opinions that say how good it is for everyone involved (adoptive parents included) to have an open adoption. So there doesn't seem to be any logic from a birth parent's point of view to oppose open adoption,.

10. When is the adoptee old enough to choose whether they want contact or not? What if they are the ones who want to break off ties with their bio parents?
As a birthmother, I can say I hope that my daughter will never want to cut off contact. As she's only 20 months old now, it hasn't been an issue so far. We know T & C want to continue the relationship with us and that they feel it'll be good for their daughter. We've had the discussion already that we want her to decide when she's ready to meet her extended biological family. I imagine that will be a while as she has to get to the age where she's developing more questions about who she is and where she came from. I believe very strongly that Nick & I will respect our daughter's decision and back off should she ever choose to cut off contact with us, and I believe T & C will also respect her decision, though I believe that they'll hope that she'll make the decision to get back into contact.

11. Are there any support groups/legal aids for birth mothers where they can get honest answers with their concerns for open adoptions?
I know of only one that I'm highly biased toward: BirthMom Buds . It's not a legal aid, simply a support group for birth mothers in all adoptions (closed, closed & reunited, semi-open, and open). We support each other and offer advice from our own situations. Coley Strickland & Leilani Wood are the co-founders, and I know they've also posted links to articles having to do with a wide range of topics including legal support should a birthmother have need.

Open Adoption Roundtable #27: First Meeting

2011-07-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Five Minute Friday: Loss

2011-07-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

Image credit: webpages.scu.edu

This week's prompt from the gypsy mama is Loss. I join other bloggers this Friday to talk about a subject we ALL know, but rarely talk about. So here goes....

GO

Loss. What a small word to describe such a huge thing. Some people allow their losses (emotional, financial, physical, anything) to take over their lives. Other people use their losses to help educate. Still others use their losses to heal their own grief by helping others with similar loss experiences.

I've dealt with losses. Even temporary losses hurt. I "lost" my Nick for a year to the conflict in Iraq. Hardest year of my life, I think. I've lost most of my grandparents (one grandmother is still hanging on) to heaven, and I've lost some dear friends and other family as well. I lost my best friend in grade school to a move.

But somehow, each and every one of those, though difficult, pale in comparison to the loss of my daughter. Yes, she's still alive, and wonderfully I get to experience a relationship with her and her parents. But I still experience her loss every day. Every day I'm reminded by something or someone that I'm not raising my daughter. I console myself with the thought that she's where she's supposed to be, and that she now has 2 entire families (biological and adopted) that love and adore her. But that pull to raise your own children is a powerful one. One I never thought I'd experience. It's a loss that has deeply changed me. I'm not certain how sometimes, but I know that I'm changed.

Some losses we can...."move past." Others, we cannot. The loss sticks with us, and though we may move over the losses and continue with our lives, that undercurrent of grief is always there, waiting to break through.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Friends

2011-07-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

Image credit: shabbygalsnest.blogspot.com

"Can miles truly separate you from friends.... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?" -Richard Bach

(This is for all my friends that I don't see nearly often enough, but are always in my heart and mind. I love you all!)

Five Minute Friday: Grateful

2011-07-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

Image credit: sugrashockblog.com

Again, I'm writing this Friday with other bloggers on a specific prompt. This is inspired and led by the gypsy mama. Today's prompt is grateful.

GO

There are so many things for which I'm grateful, it's hard to know where to begin. I'm grateful for the tough times I've had in my life. As weird as it may sound, they've helped me to be even more appreciative when life is good. I'm grateful for life. So many times, being diabetic, I've come very close to losing my life. I really think that there's something amazing in store for me because I've been blessed with this life.

I'm grateful for my daughter. I know I'm not raising her, but because of her, I get the title: Mom. I never thought I'd want that title. I was happy with Auntie, Daughter, Friend, Sister. But I love knowing that I'm a momma. She makes my life complete in a way that I never thought I needed. I'm grateful for a relationship with her amazing parents. Every day I'm reminded how "wrong" an open adoption can go - how easily broken it can be. But I'm blessed with the most amazing people in the world that I get to call "family."

I'm grateful for Nick. I'm grateful for the snores at night that I miss when he's not here, despite the fact that I've taken to wearing earplugs. I'm grateful for his love, his hugs, his kisses. I'm grateful for the endless conversations about absolutely nothing that we can have.

So much for which to be grateful. There never seems to be enough time to express it.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Mistakes

2011-07-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Image credit: semsamurai.com

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Albert Einstein

Matchmakers?

2011-07-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

Image credit: davidwygant.com

I'm inspired. I don't know exactly what "inspired" in this case means, but here goes anyway.

This whole Casey Anthony case causes me to ponder adoption and people in general becoming parents. I will not discuss Casey's guilt or innocence - it's now up to God to know and decide what Casey's fate must be for what she did or didn't do. My point is the knowledge that she shouldn't have been a parent.

There are so many people out there who are becoming parents who shouldn't be so in the first place. I would guess that there are at least equally as many people out there who would make wonderful parents and can't parent, for whatever reason.

We as a nation let people walk out of hospitals with their babies every day when letting them do that would go against every fiber of our beings if we were to actually look at every situation individually. We let them do that because we aspire as a nation to allow people the freedom to choose to be parents or not. But yet when people can't become parents biologically and turn to adoption as a solution, we put them through every test imaginable. We essentially make them prove that they really are able to make that choice. I don't know all of the tests that potential adoptive parents must pass in order to even be approved to adopt. I've only heard bits and pieces.

My father was adopted. His parents passed all of the tests set forth back then in order to adopt. Should they have become parents at all? I don't believe so. I loved my grandparents (both of them have been dead for several years now). But knowing the type of people emotionally that they were, as well as some of the things that happened to my dad while he was growing up because they weren't truly ready to be parents causes me to wonder if the whole adoption system was really put into place to protect the kids in the first place.

That's what "they" will tell you. As a birthparent and as a potential adoptive parent. "They" will tell you that the system is the way it is to protect the children, to help weed out those people who shouldn't be parents at all. Maybe I'm slightly disenchanted with the whole system right now. I'm not certain where this disenchantment will lead, if anywhere. I only know that I feel right now as if the system is really all about a way to make more money somehow, and not about the kids at all.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for the system in that it really does work in most cases. People that shouldn't be parents at all do get weeded out before they have children. If the system as it is wasn't in place, then my daughter wouldn't have been adopted by the wonderful people that are now parenting her.

But if the system was put into place to really protect the kids and not do anything else, then why isn't there a similar system to protect the children of those people that have children biologically and shouldn't be parents....that wouldn't pass the "tests" at all?

I'm really starting to think that there would be just as much benefit to not have any adoption agencies involved at all. Yes, I've heard some excellent stories. I myself had a really good experience with the agency that I used. Adoption agencies can provide valuable advice and mediation for both adoptive families and birthparents. But why not just set up the system as sort of a dating site? There are tons of those out there: eHarmony, Match, and Zoosk to name a few that I can think of off the top of my head. All of those "agencies" are in it strictly for profit. We all know that. But adoption agencies in general try to make it seem like they're providing a service out of the goodness of their hearts, instead of strictly for profit. People enter into a relationship with one of these agencies and then become disenchanted when they figure out what the agency is really doing.

What do you think? Should adoption agencies continue as they are or should there be some drastic changes?

Five Minute Friday: Welcome

2011-06-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

Image credit: clickmailmarketing.com

Join me yet again for a Five Minute Friday, inspired by the gypsy mama. Today's prompt is welcome.

GO

Oh what this word evokes in me! It evokes images of reunions. That wonderful smile you've been waiting to see for so long in person. Arms around you and never wanting to let go. It reminds me of Nick coming home. I remember waiting at the airport for him at baggage claim when he came home from Iraq on his 2-week leave and him popping up behind me.

I remember the welcome home ceremony on Ft. Lewis when his unit finally came home last July. Searching the crowd of soldiers for him and realizing I'd never have a chance of finding him. Anxiously searching every face for the face I love so much. Finally seeing him after the ceremony is over. I'm standing on the bleachers so he has a better chance of finding me amongst the crowd of family reunions. I see the huge grin on his face, and I realize the tears in my eyes are tears of joy as his grin is mirroring my own. We rush toward each other, every foot seeming like a mile. He grabs me and I feel my feet leave the ground as he lifts me in his strong arms. We hold each other for long minutes. Welcome home, soldier. Welcome home.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Challenges

2011-06-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

Image credit: haus-wiesengrund.com

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." -Joshua J. Marine

Quote of the Week: Mastering Change

2011-06-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

Image credit: toysperiod.com

"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." -Sri Ram

Quote of the Week: Who You Are

2011-06-16T09:31:00.000-07:00

Image credit: boston.com

"What you are is what you have been. What you'll be is what you do now." -Buddha

Quote of the Week: Within

2011-06-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Image credit: keyposters.com

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Surprise visit

2011-06-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

Major awesomeness happened today. I have no other words for it. Normally when we have a visit (or at least how it's been in the past), we plan at least a month in advance. We know what we're going to do, when we're going to meet, and implied how long we're going to get. It's not that they usually put limits on it. But they've had to get Mackenzie home for naps or food or whatever. I don't mind having visits scheduled way in advance. It gives me something to look forward to! Not this time. T emailed me at about 9:30 on this past Thursday night and said that they were thinking about going to the zoo today and wondered if we would like to join them. I loved that because it was so spontaneous. It also didn't give me much time at all to work myself up with worry about what I might say or do or be that might cause them to think less of me. They've never done, said or acted any way that would give me the slightest reason to believe they might do that so I know it's silly of me to worry like that, but I can't help myself.

We met them a little after 10am this morning, and didn't separate until about 4:00. Longest visit so far! It was so cool to see how much Mackenzie has grown. Even though we just had a visit 3 months ago (exactly - I looked!), she looks so much less like a baby or even a toddler and much more like the little girl she's becoming. She made animal sounds for us, showed us how she can walk (she's still waddling, not only because she's trying to figure out her balance, but because those silly diapers get in the way), and we got bunches of grins. Oh...and she tries to count. She puts up 1 finger and then she kinda skips to all five. She hasn't quite figured out how to get up sequences of fingers in between. We had a great time just walking around and talking. Mackenzie LOVED the fish. She evidently does the same thing-ish with their aquarium at home. She was practically running back and forth following the fish across the glass and pointing at them. She even rubbed her tummy a few times - T said she thought that meant she wanted to take a "bath" with the fish. We all had a laugh about that.

When we finally separated, they seemed reluctant to leave, but we all knew that Nick and I needed to get home at a decent-ish hour because he has to be at work tomorrow morning. It took us an hour just to get over the river (separating Oregon and Washington - it's a drawbridge), we stopped and ate Buffalo Wild Wings (YUM!) in Vancouver, and then got stuck in a massive traffic jam about a half hour drive (normally) north of the border. It took us 4 hours to get home when it only took us just over 2 to get down there in the first place. Oh well. Totally worth it. As much as I detest sitting in traffic.

I'm so proud of my little girl! She's just awesome. And now for some pictures.....

Grinning at Nick

Nick with a Lorakeet on his head. :)

Of course I have to have one with me making a bizarre face while Mackenzie touches me. :)

I like this one of me. Can't help it.

Another where I look halfway decent. T took this of us and emailed it to me.

Mackenzie with the fishes! :-)

Five Minute Friday: Every Day

2011-06-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

This week's topic, inspired by the gypsy mama, is "Every Day."

GO

Everyday I wake and do my morning routine. Nick heads off to work at some point (because he's getting out soon, there's not much for him to do), but in the meantime, I check my blood sugar, take my insulin, make breakfast, eat it, and then I get a few moments to catch up on my blogs and maybe make one of my own. It's such a comfort to have an every day routine. Even if it's dark and dreary out, or pouring down rain, I know that as much as I find the whole insulin thing and getting up in the first place annoying, it provides a comfort too.

I like the routine of "every day." I'm unpredictable, yes. I like variations. But especially since I'm trying to lose weight and get myself into a healthy lifestyle, it's nice to have that expectation of what's "supposed" to happen too. I get upset if something that I expect to happen every day doesn't actually come to pass.

I'm sure that's just me. Not everyone feels that way. But I'm okay with being unique. I'm okay with needing the routine....every day. Breathe in, breathe out. That routine goes on regardless of what else is going on.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Help

2011-06-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Image credit: bamabasanglican.com

"Remember if you need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others." -Audrey Hepburn

Gloom

2011-05-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

Image credit: olivemylife.blogspot.com

I feel cranky today. Especially this afternoon. It's gotten worse. Nothing's gone on today that I can attribute the feeling to, so I can only assume that it's a delayed reaction to the news I got on Friday night.

T emailed me and said that my daughter has finally figured out how to walk. She evidently is still toppling over occasionally, but she's much more confident with the whole thing. I guess she stands, starts walking, and claps for herself because she's proud. So adorable!

I was elated over the news all weekend. That, and just hearing that they had a great time in San Diego and they were thinking about me. That always makes me feel good. :-) I bragged about how big she is to my mom, my Grandma, my sister and her kids yesterday. I do love bragging about her accomplishments. I'm definitely proud.

I think today I'm just experiencing the "bitter" part of the bittersweet news. Such a double-edged sword. I ache to hear about her. I struggle with feelings of worry that they'll think she's not doing something the way she's "supposed" to be doing it and blame me. When I hear how proud they are of her and how much in love they are with her, I always feel relieved and glad. But it also causes me to remember all the things that I'm missing...that I would be seeing if I were raising her myself.

*sigh*

Five Minute Friday: On Forgetting

2011-05-27T11:54:00.000-07:00


Image credit: frank.itlab.us

It's time again for my 5 Minute Friday post, inspired by the Gypsy Mama. This Friday's topic is "On Forgetting."

GO

Wow, what a powerful topic. There are things in my life that I want to forget. The abuse that happened when I was younger, that despite my forgiving my father....hasn't left my mind. The painful emotions surrounding grieving for lost loved ones. The stress of moving around, and that's not military related! As much as I even want to forget my ex-husband despite the fact that if I hadn't met and married him, I might not be with the wonderful man I'm with now.....I still want to forget.

But there are things I desperately want to remember. The sweet smell of my daughter. Her smile. Her eyes. The way that she looks at her parents. All the visits we've had with them, and those we're still hoping to have.

I even want to remember the negative things too, because as much as I also want to forget, they in their own way cause me to appreciate what I have now more than I already do.

So I will remember everything - even the "bad" stuff. And hopefully as much as I remember the bad stuff, I'll remember the good stuff too.

STOP

Quote of the Week: Possible

2011-05-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

Image credit: dontgiveupworld.com

"Nothing is impossible. The word itself says 'I'm possible'!" - Audrey Hepburn

Five Minute Friday: When Seasons Change

2011-05-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

Image credit: en.wikipeia.org

Another "Five Minute Friday" post inspired by the gypsy mama...

START
Though I love Fall and even Winter, there's just something about Spring. I love the rain, but I've missed the sun and the warmth. I've missed all the birds chirping, and even the bees that fly into the house when we leave the sliding glass door open.

The deck is less messy with birdseed. We leave our bird feeders up year round, and because Washington is so temperate, we have a good chunk of birds that just hang around. But during the Spring, they're munching on bugs and all the other things that go into hiding during Fall & Winter and finally start coming out of hiding about now.

Spring came late for us this year. We're expecting more rain next week and we're already over our "expected" rainfall for this time of year. But for now, I'll appreciate the sun and the warmth that signifies a change of the season. Yay for Spring! :-)

STOP

Quote of the Week: Success

2011-05-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Image credit: baseballsnatcher.mlblogs.com

"Success comes in cans, not can'ts." -Hines Ward

Five Minute Fridays

2011-05-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

So my wonderful and lovely friend Coley (her blog HERE) started this new thing yesterday called "Five Minute Fridays." This is inspired by a wonderful writer, Gypsy Mama (the blog HERE). In it, she challenges everyone to take five minutes every Friday and write about random topics given to us. I thought it was such a great idea I decided to do it too! And yes...I know this is late - I'll be on it Friday of next week!

This week's topic: Deep Breath

So often I get caught up in the challenges of day-to-day life. Whether they're good challenges or "bad" challenges, I still get caught up in the little things and forget about the big picture. I forget to concentrate on just the basics. Just breathe. So....deep breath. Just that little act can be so...calming. So....centering. I'm not much into yoga and meditation - I prefer to spend my time in prayer. But on the other hand, just concentrating on the breath for that moment can cause me to forget about all the myriad things that are running through my head at any one time and focus my thoughts better. I breathe deep from my belly, concentrating on slowing down. I count as I inhale, and make my exhales the same length. I don't know. There's just something about it. It's hard to explain sometimes.

So.....take five minutes or even 2....and just breathe. Forget about everything else that you have going on, and I'll bet you'll come out of it more focused on what needs to be done and what can be left for the moment.

Whale Watching

2011-05-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of getting to spend some time whale watching. I had never done it before - only seen whales (mostly orcas) at Sea World and on t.v. Not quite the same thing as seeing them out in the wild!

We started our trip out of Port Townsend, WA - a little town right on the north end of Puget Sound. It's just on the other side of the Olympic Peninsula from the Pacific Ocean. All the inlets and islands in the area are pretty well protected. It started out being a rather gloomy day - in fact, we ran into some rain clouds as we were driving north. However, since it's about an hour and a half drive away from us and we had to be there so darn early (we left at 6:30am!), we were hoping that it would burn off as the day wore on.

We got there, checked in, and then boarded our boat. They used the smaller of their two charters because there were only 12 of us (plus the captain and the hostess/skipper). I really enjoyed having a smaller group - much more personal, and less issue with jockeying for better views.

So anyway, we headed north in our boat. Saw some harbor seals beached on a little mini island with a broken lighthouse on it (also some bald eagles), and then a whole little island with about 30 male Stellar's sea lions on it. They're frickin' huge! Our captain told us that their skulls are comparable in size with a brown bear, and full grown they're usually 800-1000 pounds a piece. Big suckers. I took a few pictures 'cause I'd never seen them before, even in a zoo. Our captain said the whole island is male sea lions, not quite fully grown, bachelors practicing to get their own "herd" of females someday. They were quite noisy too - grunting and "talking" as they jockeyed for the best sunning position on the island. We could hear them quite well even for the distance that the boat is required to keep from the "wildlife."

We didn't see any whales on the way north, so we were beginning to think we should've taken the $10 voucher guarantee that if you don't see any whales, you can come back on another day for another chance (instead of paying the whole amount). We docked at San Juan Island (just west of Vancouver Island, where Victoria, BC, Canada is - for those not familiar with WA geography) for lunch. By that time, the sun was coming out, and Nick and I had fun wandering around the little town of Friday Harbor after we ate some darn good seafood.

When we got back from our lunch break, the captain said there'd been some Orca sightings in a big area, so we were going back the same way we came up to see if we could catch them. He said that there were members of the "L" pod and some of the "K" pod, so we had a pretty good chance. Each pod is huge, and the "L" pod is the biggest - at 35 to 40 members. We have 3 resident orca populations in WA state - J, K, & L pods. Oh my goodness - it was SO cool! Unfortunately, because of the distance ships are required to keep from whales, and because the shutter speed on my camera is pretty slow (as well as not having much of a zoom lens), I didn't get as many pictures to turn out as I was trying to take. I did get one pretty good one, as 3 whales (at least one junior, and probably mom with one other) came up to check out our boat. They got SO close I almost felt like I could reach out and touch them! The captain was a bit panicked as they can get in serious trouble for chasing whales and getting that close, but since we were just sitting there prior to contact and backed away as soon as we safely could, it probably was okay. We even had the engines off at the time.

The whales finally moved on, and it was time to head back into port anyway, so we started to head back. Almost as soon as we started heading back, one of the 3 engines started overheating. We sat there for a while as our captain tried to fix the engine, but eventually he just turned it off and we ran on 2 engines. It took us about twice as long to get back as it took to get out there in the first place. We were supposed to get back at 5pm, but didn't end up pulling in until almost 6:30! I felt really sorry for the captain. It stressed him out big time. All of us weren't worried - we were having a ball laughing and talking about the whales we'd seen. The captain did say later that in the 8 years he's been doing this, the whale sighting we experienced yesterday was in his top 5 of all sightings. Pretty darn cool!

Nick and I definitely want to do it again - maybe from Victoria or San Juan Island itself next time, so more time can be spent with the whales, and less time can be spent just getting there and back.

And now...for some pictures! :-)

Nick & Me with the Orca statue at the whale watching check-in

Stellar's Sea Lions

One of the Orcas that came right up to our boat!